Thursday, March 17, 2011

a little bit of this

So I nearly killed my realtor today. I don't think I've ever sent an email in which I used all caps, bold, red type, and the largest font size on gmail - for the same text. In case I hadn't conveyed how irritated I was with those text treatments, I sent an immediate follow-up email telling him how angry and disappointed I was and exactly how his conduct fell short of the representation I expect from a realtor.

A significant part of me wants to go through life as a nice person, but that never seems to happen, somehow...if it makes you feel any better, I was 100% right that he was being an incompetent twit.

But the deal for the house is still on (so far), since I eventually went around him and called the sellers' realtor and sorted the whole thing out (it was quite easy, because she readily understood what I was saying and offered a solution that was totally acceptable. In the very first conversation. Whereas when I told him the options I would accept, he said we should call the deal off).

In other news in which I am a rotten person, my DH's first cousin once removed just had her - I think her third child. Could be second. No, third. Anyway, she asked my DH whether we would be the godparents, and he immediately said yes. Then a few weeks later he mentioned it to me in passing. The baptism is, incidentally, in Florida. I loathe Florida (apologies to any Floridians), and therefore I never go there. Which means that I will never see this child or contribute to its upbringing in the faith. My DH, meanwhile, is happy to go to Florida for the baptism, but claims NO LONGER TO BELIEVE IN THE TEACHINGS OF THE CHURCH, which makes it absolutely shocking that he would agree to do it, when he ought to know that this would be totally unacceptable to the child's mother if she knew (she doesn't).

All of these are reasons she should not have chosen us to be the godparents. I tried to explain these things to my husband over a couple of weeks, but they were not making any impression. Finally, I was thinking about it, and I realized that, whether she should have chosen us or not, there was something more significant at issue: I am not willing to be the child's godmother. If it were the child of my sibling, or my DH's sibling, then I would do it (with a very heavy heart), because that child will unavoidably be part of my life (even though I would prefer that others' minor children be in no way involved in my life). But this kid I am never going to see. And my DH's cousin and her SAHM crowd and the attendant cutesy religious/motherhood facebook postings - I want that kept as far away from me as possible. It's poison.

So I said I wouldn't do it, and my DH told her. (He told her I was really concerned about the distance, but that he would still go, and though he was sure this hadn't entered into my decision, IF had been very hard for me. Would you believe that whole story if you were her? Me neither. The odd thing is, apparently he believes it. I thought I was very clear at the time, but he said he wasn't lying when he wrote it and just misunderstood. I think he was lying when he wrote it and has forgotten or gotten confused. That's what happens when you think it's OK to lie casually to smooth over social situations...but I digress.)

Here's my real issue with the situation. I don't feel any obligation to be the godmother. However, it is egregiously rude to say no a month after you have been asked (and apparently accepted). If you're going to say no, you have to say no right away, and be polite about it. Of course, I was never asked and I never accepted. From this, and the fact that my husband is actually quite an intelligent man, I have to conclude that all males undergo a lobotomy at birth with respect to matters related to fertility and childbearing. How on earth could he know not even to ask me whether I wanted to go to visit our good friends' new baby a few weeks ago (he just said no for both of us), but not know that I would not want to fly to Florida to be a godmother of a child I will never meet, and just accept for me? (He knows my thoughts on Florida, by the way.)

By the way, the baby's father just lost his job, and the family is apparently having a really rough time. I feel bad about all of this, but not bad enough to make myself miserable to fulfill a role that everyone will be happier to have played by someone else - someone who lives in Florida, sees the family regularly, wants to be part of a baptism, and likes the baby. In other words - not this infertile girl.

So now, because my husband's email was wildly inaccurate and lacking in any credibility, and because (given that she told us to hold off on buying tickets and they are now outrageously expensive) neither of us is going, and because I have no right, whatever else may be the case, to be rude to her, I have to call her. And tell her that the reason I am not going is because I am a bitter infertile and the last time I went to a baptism, just as a member of the audience, it nearly did me in, and it's been almost three years and only gotten harder to bear (crap. That means we'd only just been married three years at the time. Well, no wonder). Do I also add the part that my husband is apostatizing and I wouldn't want him as a godfather if I were her?

Also, at what point do I have to say that I'm lucky not to have my husband as the father of my children because I wouldn't want children growing up with that kind of influence?

This post was going to be cheerful when I started it out. I'm trying to think of something cheerful to write. Um...I've only missed Mass three times since the beginning of Lent (which means my attendance rate is...67%. Well, that's a huge improvement over the 14% I've been maintaining for a year or more. And, I am saying a Rosary for every day I miss, and I only have to say seven decades to catch up). But I still need to look into some things, like who my prayer buddy's patron saint for 2011 is (I figured it would be nice to do a novena to that saint), and also I was supposed to do a morning offering and the Angelus and 15 minutes of spiritual reading every day (I'm not sure I out and out promised that for Lent, but I'm trying to use Lent to get into the habit - you can see how well it's working, I've done practically none of that). Oh yeah, and the other thing I was going to do is volunteer with the Missionaries of Charity. Missed the first Saturday last week, and might not be able to do this Saturday either.

On a lighter note...wait, I've got it. I have the day off tomorrow, and not a minute too soon, because I had forgotten to shop for my friend's bridal shower on Saturday, and now I get to go lingerie shopping :D.

I go through my marriage, my household, and my spiritual life, and the bright spot I'm sure I should feel all materialistic and mean and unspiritual, but would it be better not to have a bright spot?


  1. Sending you a hug... This is all hard stuff!

  2. Shopping is a perfectly acceptable bright spot. :) I love the things you are doing for Lent--good stuff!!

    I understand about the baptism...I wouldn't be comfortable with it either.

  3. I posted a big long comment yesterday and blogger ate it, so I'll try a shorter recap.
    I have sworn off all obligations to people's kids that aren't related to me. Seriously. Hubby and I are godparents to my friends 2 children, although Hubby is not (and never has been) Catholic. My friend apparently lied to the priest...should have been a tip-off that my friend was not taking it all very seriously. Turns out a couple years later, she's Baptist all of a sudden (I think her husband was Baptist) and raising the kids Baptist. Every once in a while I wanted to send a prayer book or rosary gift, but then I remembered they probably wouldn't know what the heck to do with it...and it might piss off my friend.
    So right now, we're just "godparents" who send presents for birthdays and Christmas. Kinda lame.
    Anyway, sorry you were having such a crappy day - glad you could find a bright spot, no matter how materialist it might be :).