Thursday, July 22, 2010

a day

I don't even want to say that it's a bad day because that seems almost banal in IF-world, doesn't it?

For all I'll always hate IF, it has taught me some things. For example: the very slightly beige color on the toilet paper this morning (sorry, TMI, I know) I would have previously dismissed as funny-colored pee, or my imagination. But this morning I took one half-asleep, one-second, sideways glance at it, and thought, "Oh, it's CD1." And so it is.

I'm not complaining that AF is here, because this month she was expected, in the sense of guaranteed (no husband around = no pregnancy. At least, in my household). Oddly, I don't take CD1s as hard as some infertiles (it works out, 'cause I take other things a lot harder than most, I think); but the fact that it's CD1, even if I didn't know, means I am hormonally odd, and so life is harder, in general.

There's also the fact that my email to Dr. L/C proposing I be prescribed femara - sent, I believe, on June 12 - has still received no reply. Not long after 8AM, I made my third follow-up call to the nurses' line, letting them know that today was CD1, that the mails probably weren't fast enough to get me a prescription in time for CD3 if they sent it today, and that my husband would be home this coming cycle - unlike last cycle, and unlike the cycle after this one.

How much of my life do I have to waste waiting for a lousy bottle of pills because a doctor cannot read a one-page email for six weeks? My message also said that if Dr. L/C is too busy, perhaps there is another doctor there who would be able to write me the prescription. I managed to do an overall tone that was sad rather than angry, an achievement for me. But I believe angry would have been fully justified.

Also today, I received an email reminder that donations for my coworker's baby shower* gift (the only other gal attorney here, and my ally; I've mentioned her before. She is the fabulous person who has not shown me ultrasound photos, because I haven't asked) are due today. I had been debating whether to throw money in the pot or buy something (not venturing into BRU, though!), and I decided buying was more personal and a better idea. The girl has an obsession with bags (not handbags, all bags), and I've read that boutique diaper bags are quite the thing among the bourgeois mommy set. So I very bravely ventured onto etsy unassisted, and found something (an over-the-stroller short-trip-sized bag) that I think she won't have, in a fetching print:

I did well, right? So why do I feel like crying my eyes out? It's internet shopping, for goodness' sake. This is what I do.

And speaking of crying my eyes out. I mentioned that I've been reading snippets of Scripture every day, per Father's directive. I've been generally flipping open at random to try to read things I haven't read recently (or at all). I don't go too superstitious on reading what my eyes land on - I'll go back to the start of the chapter or pericope so that the reading makes sense. But last night, wouldn't my eyes land - and stick - on this exact verse (Job 38:29):

"From whose womb has come the ice?"
The context is God's reply to Job (Job has been complaining about the nasty curses heaped upon him with God's permission), in which God explains that Job didn't create the entire universe and isn't in a position to tell God what to do. In an amusing earlier passage in the same chapter, helpfully footnoted by the editors of the New American Bible to indicate that it is an example of "divine irony" (these people must not think their readers are very bright), God says:
“Where is the way to the dwelling of light?
And darkness, where is its place,
That you may take it to its territory
And that you may discern the paths to its home?
You know, for you were born then,
And the number of your days is great!"
So, yes, context is key; we're not talking about any actual ice-bearing wombs, as birthing is rather a metaphor for God's creative activity. There's ice in creation; it's some serious stuff; God is pointing out that Job didn't make it. Nothing to do with fertility or bearing children at all. A nice evocative metaphor, even.

But I had just got done reading - whose quote was it? Mrs. A's? - that bit about the verses of Scripture being meant for us as well as for the original hearers; and in any case, leaping out at me as it did, I would have assumed that verse meant something particular. Just the fact that it's a question makes it the more striking. It's only rhetorical, as originally intended; but as a present reflection, it disturbingly fails to provide an answer. Can you read it and not think it's directed at you? I can't. The response leaps to the mind of its own power: "Yours, God? No, I know. You're right. It's mine." I can tell from the sound of the words that that's bad. But what does it even mean?

I don't have answers or suggestions or anything helpful. A million things ran through my head, and I lost a good deal of sleep crying and yelling at God. (I don't know how much of that I can attribute to the hormones, and I just realized I probably need makeup under my eyes. Sigh.)

I can say that I've branched out from my conviction that it's the loss of myself, not a child, that I'm mourning. I am more sure than ever that that's true. But I originally thought it was selfish: it would be more generous-hearted to mourn the loss of someone else. But I can see a different position now: mourning the loss of someone who never was could even be acquisitive. But I am. Mourning the loss of the good person I was supposed to be, and maybe at one time was, is sound morally - because the purity of the soul of an actual person who actually is, is an objective good, maybe even an absolute good. It may be more worthy of mourning than the absence of a child I could have had and didn't. Not that they're not both worth mourning, of course...

*Have I mentioned I was volunteered to help throw this shower?


  1. I love God in Job- sarcastically inviting Job to tell Him how it was when the world was created, like, oh YOU know so much about how things should be, so tell me how it happened! I've given God an open invitation to show up on my doorstep for a debate like that, even if it means that He puts me in my place, just like He did to Job.

    My fav verse in that book is 42:2, but I love the verse you landed on last night :)

  2. Today is also CD1 for me, I will also be doing a Femara cycle.

    I certainly hope that the doctors get back to you soon and that you get the Femara to do a treated cycle this month!

    Big hugs!

  3. Love that bag :). I'm sure she'll be thrilled with it.
    And what are the chances of all the verses you'd land would be the icy womb one. I had to go look it up to see what the context was. Although it has nothing to do with fertility or the literal womb...that is still a chilling verse to have staring at you (pardon the pun).
    Yes, regardless of how well you "handle" cd1, your body still knows it's happening and the hormones will wreak havoc whether you like it or not. So not fair.

  4. You're helping run a baby shower!! That will definitely get you closer to heaven!!!

    I totally understand why you mourn the good person you could've been (although I think you're a fine person, but we're always harder on ourselve). I mourn the non-jaded, positive person that I was before IF. I did have a measure of cynicism in my life before this IF mess, but now it in every facet of my life.

    Perhaps this is what I have to work through before I actually become a mother, I don't know. But I don't know if working through it will help me be more fertile or not!

  5. Wendsday was CD1 for me too.. sigh!
    Thank you for sharing that passage with us, I don't have anything profound to say about it, but just that I loved it. thanks :)

  6. I love the bag. Call Me Mama is right about the "handling" of CD1 partly being just having to deal with the hormonal changes. I hope your doctor gets back to you soon.

  7. I, too, think that there is some serious moritification involved in hosting a baby shower. Just ran across some of your interior design suggestions today elsewhere - they were such good ideas and then I looked to see who had made them. Of course it was you!
    I don't know what to tell you about the doctor's office. The situation is insane and you are dealing with it with more grace than I could muster.

  8. I love the bag. That is so adorable and the print is awesome!

    Certainly investigate that paint kit. It is 1 part epoxy paint and I guess it dries with a really hard finish. The result mains to be seen, though, so don't run right out and get it until I've actually taken a shower in my tub! Let me be your guinea pig.

    I can relate to how you feel about getting the tub clean. I always found that Tilex did the best job, and CLR cleaned it pretty well the very first time I did it. But I had to use the entire jug of CLR for it to even be useful. Now I guess I will have to use something a little gentler. Eventually we will have to replace the tub/shower and tile surround, but we did not want to do that at this moment.