Friday, April 24, 2009

Uppers and A FUN PROJECT FOR YOU - updated

A very, very sweet coworker (no pun intended) brought in those super-fantastic Hershey’s minis – you know, the ultra-thick variant of the miniatures you remember from childhood (adjust age of memory as needed per your current age). I have had [details withheld to protect the guilty] enough to make me sugar-high all day. This probably counteracts the virtue in my lunchtime spinach salad with balsamic vinaigrette dressing (ahem, and C.heetos).

There’s a post lurking in here about how the food that my brain thinks will stop my tummy from hurting actually makes it hurt more (in my mind, my stomach is roiling and unsettled. Adding spiky, juicy items, like fruit or vegetables, will make this worse. And if I were a normal person, I would be right! My brain thinks that heavy, still foods, like large quantities of bread, will settle my tummy. This isn’t just because my brain hates me. Its reflex conclusions in this area have been quietly and thoroughly shaped by many years of healthy digestion. Unfortunately for the brain, the boundaries have all been moved. An evening of eating bread until I feel better leaves me feeling sick. A miniscule lunch of a handful of vegetables, and even spicy items, but no processed food, and I feel completely fine. I will post my theories about future grocery shopping and cooking habits when they have gelled more in my mind…).

BUT IN THE MEANTIME, I have lots and lots of energy. This is for the best, because all day, I have to edit a seventy-page document full of dense and incomprehensible bureaucratic writing. I have to find all the typos, nonsense, and formatting errors, and I have to do it by 5:30. And finish another project too.

Having a massive excess of energy also puts me in a better mood. I talk faster (for me, this is quite a feat), louder, and I am irrationally exuberant. Thus, at this moment, the following idea sounds positively inspired:

IF YOU HAD CHILDREN, WHAT WOULD THEY BE LIKE? Come on, if you haven’t gotten to post baby pictures, this one is for you. I arbitrarily declare my little notion open for the next seven days, so if anybody stumbles on this days from now and is interested, they’ll participate.

Here’s what I’m proposing you do (but I can’t force anyone to obey my will. Ah, if only!):
  • Create a post on your blog per the below, then comment here with the link so I can visit;
  • Describe at least one theoretical child – minimum age two, maximum age ten;
  • Share a photograph of said theoretical child (from your baby pictures, a relative, a random kid from the internet – as long as s/he looks like your theoretical child);
  • Tell us your child’s name, first and middle (this will be my best shot at helping to “reserve” names for those of us who can’t hurry up and have a kid so our friends can’t steal the name we really love for their wretched munchkins);
  • Tell us ten things about your child’s personality and attributes (anything from “burps Amazing Grace” to “is in 250th percentile for height as of eighteen months”);
  • If your child is beautiful, smart, athletic, healthy, talented, and virtuous, with no flaws or discernible quirks, I will delete your comment. And when you get pregnant, I'll stop reading your blog.

That is all.

ENJOY THE GORGEOUS WEATHER all you people and if you are feeling terribly depressed and think my mood is plain annoying, go to the nearest drugstore immediately and eat at least 8 oz. of pure chocolate candy. (And screw your diet. I have a stomachache already and I FEEL GREAT. Plus, when your blood sugar spikes high enough, you’ll be ready to run ten miles. I actually use this trick.)

UPDATE: Yaya calls attention to a very important clarification I should have made earlier. Your "theoretical child" need not be your biological child. It could be your theoretical adopted child whom you have not yet brought home (if you already have it, it's not theoretical). My theoretical child is (probably obviously) my biological child, but yours doesn't have to be (should you choose to participate).


  1. Done!

    You can check it out here...

    I've actually been thinking about this a lot lately, so these kids are more my 'dream' children. At this point, any children will fulfill the dream, but you wanted to know what they'd be like, so here y'are! Enjoy...

  2. Hey, I've posted at your suggestion. I didn't follow directions, though--sorry. Always been bad at that.

    But I still hope you find my ideal interesting. I just never could get so specific with my imaginary offspring. :)

    Hope your garden's growing like gangbusters!