Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I lost you!

I was trying to add a nifty new blog to my blogroll and I missed my clicking by maybe a quarter of an inch AND MY BLOGROLL VANISHED. It didn't even ask whether I was sure I wanted to delete, and I clicked "clear edits" immediately, and blogger IGNORED me, and then my ancient laptop had a fit and cascaded its windows (a total of 68 before I wrestled it to the ground - not bad).

I have managed, painstakingly, mind you, to reassemble what I am sure is the bulk of my blogroll. Everyone who has followed or commented, I have. And I could remember people in large batches too (the Catholic bloggers; the people whose names are "The ___ Infertile" or something to that effect; all the obvious categories).

But I AM SURE I HAVE MISSED PEOPLE whose blogs I want to read. Of course, if they have never commented on my blog, they won't cry, and I shouldn't either. But it still bothers me that something might be missing from my four months of accumulation and I might not remember! (I'm definitely missing someone whose last post was "Suddenly - suddenly six months," and somebody else whose last post was "Just checking in" or some such. If anyone knows which websites these are, please remind me!)

Also. I kind of want to write a post about how while I don't have issues with the pregnant/those with small children (I really don't), I am sort of maybe thinking about developing an issue with those whose blogs (which I think were formerly infertility blogs?) are now exclusively for posting their baby pictures and baby milestones. Obviously, family wants nothing more than to see pictures of the baby taken EVERY FIVE MINUTES and a point-by-point narration of the special seventeenth time the little bundle rolled over. And obviously, the joy in a little one to bring home is an important potential part of the IF journey (otherwise it's all complaining - or, better, eventually letting go, but people do get pregnant, sometimes, and then sometimes they have babies, and that's a good thing).

I'm in favor of other infertiles having babies (and then some!), and I'm not mad that they got there first or anything (especially the ones who were pregnant before I "met" them!). But, part of the reason I carved myself a tiny corner here in IFland was to be connected with other women struggling with infertility. That can absolutely include other women with secondary infertility, or infertiles who are pregnant, or infertiles who have babies. But I'm not sure it includes women all of whose blogworthy thoughts are about the baby, and who don't have time or the mentality, so far as I can tell, ever to read or comment on the blog of anyone who is ttc, or even give a nod to the idea of ttc.

Is that wrong? Will I feel differently if I make it to the other side? (Probably...maybe.) I'm not bitter - reading the baby diaries doesn't upset me. It just convinces me that these blogs are not for me, and I should probably focus my energies elsewhere. I feel bad about that, but I also have a pretty strong conviction that I am one of a group that is the least fair in the world to commandeer as a mandatory, one-way audience for the baby gushings of someone they have never met.

Maybe how this works is that a "generation" of infertile bloggers graduates to mommyhood approximately together, and then they really want to read about each other's kids (I have a feeling I'm not going to want to read ALL about babies even if I get there, but we'll see), and they don't think so much about IF any more, but that's OK with each other - and then some unlucky gal who's still ttc will get stuck in the middle of a bunch of graduated bloggers and have to elbow her way out and try to get a spot in the next generation. I feel like there are a few flaws in this theory (for example, what if the mommies try to have a second? Do they return to the fold and seek readership and comments from ttc bloggers whom they haven't read in a year or more?), but it might explain the larger dynamic that I am missing.

OK, so I guess this is a post about that. I've been wanting to bring this up for a while, but I don't want to upset anyone because no one has been anything but nice to me. But if anyone has any wisdom to share, I would love to hear it.


  1. The "Suddenly Six Months" post was by The Open Door (http://opendoor.blogspot.com/). I hate when blogger helpfully decides that you don't need something on your blog. So annoying.

    Hope this helps!

  2. I have a post started sort of about the same thing (infertiles who go on and get pregnant and then seem to forget the infertile past)!! I am still editing it and rolling it around in my head. You're not alone in wondering about this topic! Unfortunately, I have no advice- hopefully we'll both graduate to the other side soon!!

  3. For your amusement, may I recommend the website "STFU, Parents"? A snarky critique of truly disturbing and disgusting parental updates to Faceb00k (many scatological).

    I am with you on the baby posting. One or two pics--the really cute primo ones that convey the child/ren's personality--that's cool. Posting about the details of bowel movements, breastfeeding routines, stuff purchases--that's dull. I want to hear about people's experiences, not their daily planners, you know?

    Anyhoo, just my two cents. I'm not really a baby adoring gal (though I love kids once they interact with others). So that might explain my eye-rolling boredom.

  4. I think you make some very good points! I find it very difficult to read women's blogs that were IF and are now EVERYTHING baby. Maybe it's just me though...who knows. I found it very painful when I was pregnant to even mention anything about a baby to an IF woman just because I know how it feels to suffer with IF. I think if ever I get pregnant again (please God) then maybe I might start a different blog or something...we'll see how the mood strikes me. Does this make sense or am I just rambling? HAHA

  5. Ah, I just realized that you have to approve my comments...I thought they got lost or something.HAHA

  6. I think that I would start a new blog or only continue to post about pg after IF. My blog is about IF, and that is what it will stay. I don't tend to read blogs about baby, etc. Just too hard right now.

  7. **Let me preface this comment by saying that I know you aren't writing about any mommy blogger in particular and I'm not trying to be defensive at all, so please don't take it that way**

    You bring up a good point that is pretty common in the IF blogosphere. I personally had many readers leave my blog once our adoption was finalized and the IF/adoption drama was over. It's just the name of the game I guess that IF blogs become mommy blogs eventually, and mommy blogs are a dime a dozen. When I was first beginning my mommy blogging I felt guilty, and I've noticed other adoptive or formerly-IF-now-PG bloggers expressing the same guilt about their mommy blogging. But the reality is that the baby is the center of your universe for the first couple of years because that's what they demand from you! And you're right, for blogs like mine where the grandparents, aunts and uncles and IRL friends read it, it's easy to go overboard with the pictures and details about life with baby :)

    Anyhow, formerly IF bloggers who become mommy bloggers are caught in a trap. If they blog about infertility then they are sometimes accused of living in the past, holding on to and over-dramatizing their pain and attention-seeking behavior (I received criticism of this kind from some of my post-baby posts about IF). If they blog about the baby they lose their IF readers.

    I'm still IF even though I'm a mom and I enjoy reading the blogs of women who are TTC and waiting to adopt, but I do realize the feeling isn't always mutual and I'm not offended by that. When I was in the middle of TTC I was on a board where everyone got PG but me and 2 other women and I ended up leaving the board suddenly because I reached the end of my ability to listen to them talk about their babies. So when people do the same to me I just wish them well in their TTC/adoption. No hard feelings. :)

    I admire your writing and enjoy reading your blog, so I'm going to keep reading you, but if the details of Evie's milestones aren't interesting to you I COMPLETELY GET IT. ((((Hugs))))

  8. I am with you on this one. It is difficult. I can totally understand their happiness and that they want to talk about their new babies...but what I really want to know is how infertility effects the way that they look at motherhood, etc. In my opinion, once you are an infertile you will always be an infertile...whether you succeed in getting pregnant or not. It will always play a roll in my life. I find it difficult to read the blogs of people who seem to suddenly forget.

  9. Having started this discussion, I now feel unequal to responding adequately to even the comments I have so far. I appreciate all of them however (so keep them coming, anyone else who's reading!) and I am reflecting on them seriously, and when I have reflected adequately, I will respond to everybody, 'K?

    Thanks guys.

  10. Thank you for writing this post. You've given me an idea for my own post. Here's the preview: the tension between "non-moms" and "moms" in the infertility world is weird. It's made more awkward still when someone (aka moi) has accepted that she'll be always be a non-mom amid moms through adoption and moms following treatment success. I'm focused now on a life that's NOT centered around TTC or all things child-rearing ... and ultimately my blog writing will reflect that (with occasional commentary about the tensions between non-moms and moms, naturally!)