Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Irresolute in 2014

I thought by some time today I would have come up with some good new year's resolutions and could write a fascinating blog post about them.  (OK, I didn't expect it to be that fascinating.)  I've been lightly thinking about it for the last several weeks, and it's the sort of thing I get on board with, so some sort of useful resolve should have materialized by now, right?  No such luck.

I think I'd like to have about three resolutions.  Here are the things I'm considering.  You help me decide.  (Or save all your good decision-making skills for your own resolutions.  Your call, I guess.)

(1) Lose weight.  Actually, that definitely is going to be one of my resolutions, but it is not the single most important thing in my life or my year, so I refuse to put it out there as my one and only 2014 resolution.  It needs to find its proper place in a constellation of resolutions.  After fighting a protracted psychological battle about even the idea of weight loss (quick summary: I'm losing), I think I've come to the point where the goal is no longer in doubt and it's not appropriate about to dally around with half-measures and tell myself that I'd be delighted to lose weight if this or that small exercise of discipline happens to be sufficient.  I need to buckle down, even if it means being really, really hungry.  (I tried to lose just five pounds - unsuccessfully - last May; I managed to lose four, and I had myself nearly starving with hunger for two straight weeks.  A normal, healthy metabolism does not react like that, and I truly believe the depo-provera is causing the weird metabolism, but I am no longer willing to rely on that excuse even if it is the truth.  If I have to be hungry all the time and run until I drop and cut out other activities to make more time for exercise, then I will.  I am not happy where I am and I am tired of being this dissatisfied with how I look and feel.  An even better reason for the resolution: on Christmas Day, I got my period for the first time in almost two years [obviously an effect of the depo].  As a recap, I took my last dose at the beginning of February 2013, meaning that it wore off end of April 2013, meaning that it took eight months to get my cycle back - and it wasn't an all the way normal cycle, of course.  My plan is to get my thyroid tested again after my next period and get a new prescription if I need one, which could only help - but I am losing this weight either way.  This was also my resolution in 2010, and I had gotten myself into about the same place I am now, weight-wise and mentally, in about the same bizarre way - minus the depo, but in that case because I didn't know I was hypothyroid yet.  And, for the record, I lost all the weight I planned to.  It was difficult, but I did it.  It upsets me that four years later I'm back to the same place, but at least until I started the depo I was doing a reasonable job keeping it off, and this time I hope it will stay off for good.)

(2) Pray more.  That obviously is a stupid resolution because it doesn't say what I'm going to do, such that I could convince myself I was keeping it even if I weren't, or that I wasn't even if I were.  A concrete resolution would be much more appropriate.  Unfortunately, I haven't figured out what I want to do.  Anything that seems likely to work strikes me as pathetic, and the things that sound worth doing I know very well I would not do.  How about I start with something that's not actually a resolution for 2014: step up my daily Mass attendance a bit.  I was doing pretty well for a while there in 2013, and I'd like to return to that - and I think it's perfectly feasible.  Perhaps I will discover a good resolution along the way.

(3) More therapy.  I started seeing a (really, really good) therapist in 2013.  But I've been ridiculously inconsistent about scheduling appointments.  In 2014, I need to see him more, and maybe make some progress on being healthy and ditching the baggage I've been carrying around for no decent reason.  I think at least once a month would be a good goal - I know, that sounds pathetic, but it's better than I've been doing (even more pathetic!) and certainly better than not seeing a therapist, which was the state of affairs in 2012.  And "at least once a month" doesn't foreclose going even more often, right?

(4) Nothing to do with the house.  In all seriousness - I don't have any house-related resolutions.  I have to-do lists and goals and notions, but I think I've done extremely well so far and I think resolutions are for places I'm falling behind and need a kick in the pants.  In my humble opinion, "keep on trucking" is all I need to do here.  I don't think I need to add anything cooking-related, either.  I do have a goal of trying out some of the new recipes I've been collecting, but I don't think that really rises to the level of a resolution.  Cooking is fun.

(5) Talk to my mother and my baby siblings a lot more.  A few months ago I chaperoned a retreat on prayer (I think I mentioned this before), and came away with the conviction that I need to call my mother and wee siblings at least once a week.  In the weeks since, I have not technically kept to that goal, but I've talked to both parties much more frequently than I had been before.  I will resume efforts to keep to weekly calls, but the exact frequency isn't as important as just talking to them a lot more.

I'm trying to think beyond that.  I could be a better housekeeper but in reality I think maybe 10% better would be a good goal; I could be easily 50% better, but then that would detract from other priorities and I have limited time (as everyone does) and I need to keep balance.  I probably should eat healthier but I think it's actually more important for me not to be neurotic about food, and for all I eat unhealthy snacks (which I will be working on), I also eat a lot of really good food, and cook a lot of really good food; I don't think this area is broken.  Of course I could always work on being a better wife (which I will also be working on.  Don't tell my husband).  I also need to work on being a better friend, but "meet new friends" is not on the list because I've done work in that direction for several years and I have been very fortunate in that area - truly, I am rich in wonderful people.  I think I have enough hobbies.  (Possibly too many.  Don't answer that.)  I guess I could be a better blogger?  Maybe I should start packing my lunch from scratch instead of frozen lunches?  That seems like letting the perfect be the enemy of the good.

Obviously, I need to improve in a lot more areas than I'm realizing.  Help me out!  Tell me about all the grievous flaws I need to fix!


  1. I think you have a pretty good list going here I don't need to add to it ;) Our pastor at Mass yesterday challenged all of us to pray a daily rosary which I would love to do if I could get to a place where I want to pray the rosary. For lunches we usually have leftovers from the night before. Since most recipes out there serve a "typical" family of 4 I make the exact recipe and we usually have leftovers unless my husband has seconds which often happens. I don't have resolutions, mine are more like goals I guess they are the same thing but the word goals just makes me feel better. Happy new year!

  2. I like the pray more and talk to your family members more. I need to that as well...exercise is a given...It is hard for me to carve out the time too...ugh. I love the picture you are using for your blog title.

  3. You have some great ideas there. A few of them echo for me! I think going to mass during the week is amazing - all the sources I have been reading recommend that as the #1 best prayer so I think you can't go wrong with that. My schedule right now doesn't permit that but I plan to do a more regulated prayer in the morning when I wake up (Our Father, commitment of myself to Him for the day - may my hands do your work, my feet walk in your way, etc ... a prayer that was in the missal a few years ago, and a prayer to desire God's will more than my own.) Then to pray the rosary every day. I would really like to pray the rosary 4 times a day but I just don't see how I can commit to that right now!

    I too would like to lose weight but having a good posture, being more flexible and stronger is more important right now, so that is where I will focus. I do pretty well at bringing home made lunches to work, mostly because I have a super cool lunch box! 4 different coloured boxes fit inside so it reminds me to do fruit, veggie, yogurt etc.

    hmm, therapist and family - both so important. Not sure what to suggest =- I think you are doing a great job.

    And of course, I hope you keep up the blogging :)