Thursday, October 24, 2013

craigslist and the zombie apocalypse

(This is a good place for a joke about the elephant and the Polish question, but I'll leave that one to you.) 

The other day This Old House's online version came out with this very important information.  It's essential that you go and read the whole thing, but I'll share just this one invaluable tidbit here:
Most zombies are pathetic climbers, so eluding them means little more than moving upstairs and removing your staircase. Faced with zombie invasion, many frantic homeowners freak out, mindlessly smashing their staircases with a sledgehammer. However, the more preservation-minded among us prefer dismantling and storing them until the invasion is over. Start by unscrewing the newel posts and banisters, then use a flat crowbar to gently pull up the treads and risers.
As you can imagine, I was extremely disturbed by this information.  I had more or less resigned myself to the ravaging effects of a zombie invasion on myself and my nearest and dearest, but I had not considered that the zombie hordes might lay waste to my historic home.  I had an understandably restless night. 

Happily, I started the day with an email from a dear friend, who (though unaware of my recent zombie-related worries) timely offered reassurance that animals would stop the zombie apocalypse before it started.  I'm not sure of the likely contributions of Bailey the Dog, but one scientist helpfully explained the zombie-brain-disabling abilities of the North American jaguar.  Check out this (really lovely!) jaguar crushing the skull of a relative of the alligator:

Impressive, right? 

But I'm going to need a stopgap measure until I can get a jaguar for my yard.  I'm sure the fence and the driveway gate will keep the jaguar in:

The jaguar would definitely respect the pickets.  And get along with Bailey. 

Until then, though, I'll need some intermediate zombie deterrents.  And, wouldn't you know, craigslist comes to my rescue again! 

An excellent start.  But wait, there's more:

It explains in the fine print:
It's not the truck to drive to Linens and Things to pick up the wife's new sham covers or to get those cute shoes at Journey's. It's for hunting, fishing, camping or transporting bodies of zombies that made it past the mine field you laid out in your front yard. Driving around in anything more than jeans and a greasy t-shirt will cause this truck to get repo'ed, BY GOD! If you want a battle-ready, made-in-America, steel structure that will crash through the front gate of an Al Qaeda training camp, stomp mudholes in the chest of whatever highway you drive down, or even to make a new road through the middle of a hippie drum circle, look no further: this is the bearded ninja Chuck Norris of trucks. If you need a vehicle to get to Pilates or take your poodle to the groomer, buy a Prius, Nancy, and keep walking. Just fair warning, if you aren't worthy of this rig, it will round-house you for sheer pretentiousness. The wheels are in great shape, aluminum mags on 33" tires which are in great shape. There is also a heavy-duty tow hitch to drag your anti-terrorist/zombie/whiny neighbor, a .50 caliber, air-cooled, chain-fed machine gun, or a Mark 19 automatic grenade launcher for rodent dispersements. If you have a need for a brutal, hands down bad ass truck, here it is.

Of course there are more details, but I think this excerpt raises the salient points. 

In short: when the undead come knocking at your (newly repainted) front door (with the original brass hardware recently restored), craigslist will not leave you in the, uh, lurch


  1. Sometimes you run into a few people that are creative in their Craigslist posts.

  2. I know, right? I'm not even in the market for a pickup truck, but I find myself wanting to buy this one because that guy is AWESOME.