Sunday, February 26, 2012

worst reasons to POAS

...on CD8, or something: because you feel emotionally flimsy and hormonal, and you haven't been charting, so it seems like your period has lasted longer than usual, but maybe you're just impatient and cranky, but surely you couldn't feel this sad at this point in your cycle unless you were pregnant.

I decided to double (triple? quadruple?) down on the insanity by: (1) Determining that I could not bring the HPT box home with me, so I would discard all the packaging before I left the store and shove the (unused, don't worry) pee sticks in my purse. I was going to toss everything in a parking lot trash can, but then I saw a bunch of trash cans helpfully placed inside the store...in Target...and somehow had no memory of how long it always takes me to get those packages open...so I spent several minutes in a busy store in lighting as bright as a movie set uselessly shredding at tiny pieces of the cellophane wrapping on a neon-pink box with the word "pregnancy" on it in letters you could read at a hundred feet. Two different men walked around me to toss something in the trash can during this endless process; neither made eye contact. (2) Forgetting that you're supposed to wait three minutes. This part isn't really important, but I have become so accustomed to the negative tests that I forget that there are special instructions for people who want a positive one. At least I got a control line this time. (3) Remembering several hours later that I should have waited three minutes, and fishing the whole mess out of the trash. Still negative. (4) Pondering the fact that you're supposed to wait 3-10 minutes, and I waited hours. I'm pretty sure once they show a + they stay that way (you know, I've heard), but the directions do say not to wait forever. And I remembered a post on 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility that lampooned RE-peeing on old HPTs. I've never done this. Who knows - I might never buy another package. (I have told myself this many times.) What the heck? It was still negative, of course.

The million-dollar question is why I would do this in the first place. I know, I know: this is an audience that can imagine innumerable insane - but compelling! - reasons to spend that $6.99. For two tests, by the way - so this insanity can repeat itself (without the HPT-Unwrapping of Frustration and Shame impromptu performance art in Target) at a later date.

In this case, despite its being CD8 (which is totally canceled out by the fact that I felt sad. You're following, right?), I was suddenly overcome by the concern that I have actually been pregnant almost constantly during the last six-plus years, and my occasionally varying periods (variances apparently catalyzed by various fertility drugs, surgeries, and invasive diagnostic procedures - or maybe, so I thought!) were not actually the resumption of menstruation but some sort of innocuous early-pregnancy bleeding, and if only I had taken an HPT in mid-"cycle" all these many times, I would have long ago realized that I was not infertile but a "habitual aborter" (for those who haven't read TCOYF, look it up) and sought early treatment to keep those pregnancies and I would have like five healthy kids now.

Sigh.

11 comments:

  1. I see that The Crazy has decided to stop by your place after being banished from my home.... :-)

    Sending lots of love and hugs and understanding your way.

    Jo

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  2. I understand your reasoning for a CD 8 test...I do. US IFers have no idea what is going on with our cycles/bodies so anything is possible...so why not? I think it's interesting that you did all of this at a Tar.get store...now that is something I'm not sure I would do. I like to live out that agony and disappointment at home. Hope you are feeling better.

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  3. Oh, I get this. I've had every thought.. some even this week!

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  4. This was definitely a POAS that had to be done. I can see the psychology in why you did it....and the embarrassing defeat afterward. Don't beat yourself up over thinking that your theory was a possible one. Because it totally is, AND it is not ridiculous for you to consider this to be true.

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  5. Wow. I have been there - well maybe not shredding packaging in Target, but at the after hours pharmacy early in the morning - but questioning, questioning, questioning cycles in the distant past.

    I think the not looking at the test after 10 minutes is because they can show a false positive. I went through this with several tests (but never all of them) on two of my cylces. Which brings us back to questioning old cycles. *sigh*

    Also sending hugs and prayers your way.

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  6. I admire your hopefulness to even want to POAS, but you're right. This IF busienss does make us crazy. So very, very crazy.

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  7. I don't know. There may be no great reasons to POAS that early, but they're all very compeling and completely logical and right to the TTC mind. Funny, I remember wondering some of those same things about the possibility of being a habitual aborter and going through the what-ifs.

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  8. You're sooooooo not alone ;)

    And since this isn't my blog o' shame, I will stop there.

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  9. Ugh. Those sound like thoughts I've had before...but was never brave enough to admit :/. Sorry the hpt's are doing a number on you.

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  10. Oh sweetie, I have definitely been there. This madness just sucks! Sending you a big hug...

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  11. I am right there with you and frankly don't see anything crazy about this at all...and think your thinking is smart. And, CD 8 is, well...perhaps a tiny bit early (FOR THAT KIND OF POAS!!!)...but so what! I think I would certainly continue with this practice, right up to my actual period.

    But, this is coming from someone who blows through 50 POAS in a cycle.

    Easily.

    I like your thinking. I think it is smart.

    Target does have good light for looking at POAS.

    Those guys understood, no worries.

    Not to mention the Target employees themselves.

    Praying for CD 9, 10, 11...

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