My chart for this month is hardly a thing of beauty. We didn't "use" the best days (although certainly days that would get a fertile pregnant. Must not think about this). I have seven days of fertile CM recorded, but I know that's not totally accurate; there were seven days when I had clear, stretchy, and slippery, but I'm sure if I paid better attention I could figure out which ones really counted properly. And though the temps were surely bi-phasic, they wander around wildly. And I mostly remembered to take progesterone in my luteal phase, but not perfectly, so I have had a little bit of spotting, but only a little. And today is p+11 or p+12, which is pretty good for me, but nothing to write home about. And this morning I woke up with an extra symptom of the coming cycle. And I have been - well, it's possible that I have been just a little cranky. But only just a little. And, you know, for good reasons. And then there's the fact that (despite the fact that I was supposed to start HCG two cycles ago) I'm actually not on a treatment regimen just now, other than the progesterone I guess, and I clearly am getting worse, and the next thing I have scheduled is an ultrasound to see how much worse I've gotten.
All of this means sadness. Which means that I am expecting my cycle to start. And if I know that that's coming, then it's not like anything other than the expected is happening, so WHY AM I SAD?
This is clearly not worth the emotional energy. I am going to look into the possibility of a nice hysterectomy and vegetative propagation.