I have probably used this post title before. The mindset of the vigorously mentally unbalanced appeals to me greatly.
I owe you all an enormous debt of gratitude for your prayers, your kind words, and your support. I have been able to write some of you back but not all, but I want to update everyone because I don't want any of you to worry.
I know I have trouble lately holding onto the picture of a God loving enough to busy Himself with little things, and bear me up in the ups and downs of life. But I found myself calming down more and more after my DH left, and realizing that there are things for which I need to apologize (hurting someone's feelings is not OK even if not intentional), and that I can't blame him for the fact that I feel like I'm not able to tell him things or seek support from friends, or that I fail to recognize or articulate my needs until I reach the point of crisis. There are lots of things I can improve if I'm wise enough and mature enough to recognize them and express them calmly. Even if I don't cause every problem, I can contribute to solutions...I'm an adult. Sometimes :). And though I wasn't expecting to hear from him until Monday night, he called Sunday morning and was completely calm, apologized, told me how much he loved me, and said that he wanted to come home and had never wanted to leave me and should never have said so.
Not every fight we have ends with us both being kind and calm and getting there overnight. Even when I don't have the presence of mind or the strength in faith to pray for myself, I have the blessing of your love and your prayers, something I never expected when I started this blog to yell at the internet about how I hate the OB/GYN two years ago, and something I know I don't deserve. Thank you all so much.
Although I am getting (very gradually) more mature about recognizing that I need to work on having a good life in the long term rather than having a great day (in life in general as well as in married life in particular), I have decided that one thing I need to do - in addition to improving my mood and attitude and time management and a lot of other things - is view every day as part of the journey up the mountain. It's uphill, it's tiring, and it's difficult. That's not a sign that I'm doing something wrong or should be horrified; there's just a mountain in front of me and I have to climb it. Along with my DH.
We can't see the other side and that makes it harder to hope, and I have a love/hate relationship with hope as I may perhaps have mentioned; but I like to think, in my slightly-hopeful moments, that the surprise view from the top is going to be stunning. And man, would I enjoy walking downhill for a while. I hope "the top of the mountain" does not mean the end of the earthly life...I'm sort of looking forward to a plateau at some point before I die. But who knows?
Also, because this is my blog and I do things like this, last night I conquered chocolate chip cookies, and I wanted to share. Um, not in the sense that I have sworn off them and their attendant empty calories. That would be rash and unjustifiable. But chocolate chip cookies have been the bane of my existence for some time. I want a cookie that's taller than the chips, and mine look like they've been run over by a truck no matter how many times I try.
But I did not examine the problem rationally. Cookies flatten because the butter (or other fat) melts as they bake, as I knew perfectly well - I just never made the logical adjustment. So last night I brazenly removed 25% of the recommended fat from a basic chocolate chip cookie recipe. I waited until they were just tinged with gold (mistake. You really do need to shorten the baking time, or they will no longer be soft by the next day), and removed from the oven the most adorable round chocolate chip cookies you ever saw. Cookies shall not confound me again. I have conquered, and soon I shall make my conquest complete.