Tuesday, January 25, 2011

serenity now

I have probably used this post title before. The mindset of the vigorously mentally unbalanced appeals to me greatly.

I owe you all an enormous debt of gratitude for your prayers, your kind words, and your support. I have been able to write some of you back but not all, but I want to update everyone because I don't want any of you to worry.

I know I have trouble lately holding onto the picture of a God loving enough to busy Himself with little things, and bear me up in the ups and downs of life. But I found myself calming down more and more after my DH left, and realizing that there are things for which I need to apologize (hurting someone's feelings is not OK even if not intentional), and that I can't blame him for the fact that I feel like I'm not able to tell him things or seek support from friends, or that I fail to recognize or articulate my needs until I reach the point of crisis. There are lots of things I can improve if I'm wise enough and mature enough to recognize them and express them calmly. Even if I don't cause every problem, I can contribute to solutions...I'm an adult. Sometimes :). And though I wasn't expecting to hear from him until Monday night, he called Sunday morning and was completely calm, apologized, told me how much he loved me, and said that he wanted to come home and had never wanted to leave me and should never have said so.

Not every fight we have ends with us both being kind and calm and getting there overnight. Even when I don't have the presence of mind or the strength in faith to pray for myself, I have the blessing of your love and your prayers, something I never expected when I started this blog to yell at the internet about how I hate the OB/GYN two years ago, and something I know I don't deserve. Thank you all so much.

Although I am getting (very gradually) more mature about recognizing that I need to work on having a good life in the long term rather than having a great day (in life in general as well as in married life in particular), I have decided that one thing I need to do - in addition to improving my mood and attitude and time management and a lot of other things - is view every day as part of the journey up the mountain. It's uphill, it's tiring, and it's difficult. That's not a sign that I'm doing something wrong or should be horrified; there's just a mountain in front of me and I have to climb it. Along with my DH.

We can't see the other side and that makes it harder to hope, and I have a love/hate relationship with hope as I may perhaps have mentioned; but I like to think, in my slightly-hopeful moments, that the surprise view from the top is going to be stunning. And man, would I enjoy walking downhill for a while. I hope "the top of the mountain" does not mean the end of the earthly life...I'm sort of looking forward to a plateau at some point before I die. But who knows?

Also, because this is my blog and I do things like this, last night I conquered chocolate chip cookies, and I wanted to share. Um, not in the sense that I have sworn off them and their attendant empty calories. That would be rash and unjustifiable. But chocolate chip cookies have been the bane of my existence for some time. I want a cookie that's taller than the chips, and mine look like they've been run over by a truck no matter how many times I try.

But I did not examine the problem rationally. Cookies flatten because the butter (or other fat) melts as they bake, as I knew perfectly well - I just never made the logical adjustment. So last night I brazenly removed 25% of the recommended fat from a basic chocolate chip cookie recipe. I waited until they were just tinged with gold (mistake. You really do need to shorten the baking time, or they will no longer be soft by the next day), and removed from the oven the most adorable round chocolate chip cookies you ever saw. Cookies shall not confound me again. I have conquered, and soon I shall make my conquest complete.


  1. Bring me some chocolate chip cookies!!!

    I have been praying for you friend and am happy to hear DH called. I will continue to pray for your healing in this aspect of your marriage. HUGS

  2. Misfit, I am so glad that he came home and I am so glad that you are feeling more hopeful. There are times when I don't feel hopeful about adoption, but then it comes back around. Grasp it and hold tight, sweetie!

  3. I like your outlook...life as a journey~ I wish you the best!! Sending prayers for you~~
    Love the cookie conquest!

  4. I love the last few lines. In your posts you always have at least one line that encapsulates the entire mood of what you want to say.

    I'm glad DH came home and that you're feeling hopeful. I wish I had seen the last post sooner. You have such a heavy burden - nothing I can say will help, of course, but I hope our (by that I mean all your blog-friends) presence comforts you in some way.

  5. Thank you for the update. We will continue to pray for you. Thee cookies sound divine.

  6. I'm so relieved things are looking up. Marriage is hard b/c it's like this giant mirror reflecting all your qualities - the good ones and the BAD ones. Still praying for you.

    I know the joy of finally getting CC cookies the way you like. I like them soft and finally found a recipe online that works. I even made a couple of hundred for a party and my broken heart was so upset when they were ALL gone . . . before I got to sneak one!

  7. It is a good feeling when we realize we can not change the one we are with, but things within ourselves and also our reactions. I like being able to do something about my situation, so this is always comforting to me and it usually has a nice effect on the other as well. I, too, am still praying.
    p.s. I remember discovering the effect when I add extra flour to the cookie, same result I believe and oh so yummy! I actually made some tonight too!

  8. Continuing to pray for you! Marriage is tough work. Sometimes you need a break to get some perspective.

    Btw, some chocolate chip cookies sound great!

  9. If I knew your address, I could have my chef hubby make you a dozen scrummy choc. chip cookies with anything else you may want in them, and send them to you... just sayin'...


  10. Man, give TCIE your address! Or even better, give her mine and say it's yours ;)