Thursday, December 16, 2010

more than a river in Egypt

So I guess I've had a great luteal phase, or whatever. I mean, some of my temperatures have dropped below the cover line, which is bad. And my highest temperature was 98.1. And it looks like I'll have had...five days of pre-menstrual spotting. Despite the topical progesterone. So actually, could be a lot better, but this is me. We're celebrating the fact that it looks like I'll have had a thirteen-day luteal phase, and in the last few months when I've been taking temperatures, they've pretty much all been eleven days.

Wait, why am I celebrating having a somewhat improved luteal phase? Isn't the goal not to have a luteal phase, so much as a post-ovulation phase that lasts the next forty weeks?

Today is going to be CD1. I know this because of the tightness I could feel in my stomach starting yesterday evening. I know because swearing off sweets during Advent has been easy - until this past week, when I wanted all the chocolate. Right now. I know because the spotting is, probably, technically still spotting - but looking increasingly ominous. I know because this morning I have a very mild version of what I pretty much have to call cramps.

Fortunately it's getting smaller and weaker throughout the day, but up through at least bedtime last night, why was there still a voice nattering at me ceaselessly, about how spotting is not inconsistent with pregnancy (indeed, some people deliver healthy babies despite pretty heavy bleeding early on), and abdominal pain isn't either, and if I make it to p+13, why not p+15, and p+17? And then, to infinity, and beyond! And we seem to have used the right days this cycle. And I was pretty good about the progesterone cream. And...

This is not helpful. Not helpful at all.

Because there's also a voice, much quieter, and wiser, that reminds me that as of my surgery last October, I had no working fallopian tubes. Dr. L/C said the surgery might have fixed the problem, but "might" only ever works out one way when it's me. I could have perfect hormone levels (though I don't). Be endo-free. Have great CM (not bad these days, actually). Actually be ovulating. Use all the right days. In a cycle when all these things align...nothing changes.

Some day, I hope I learn to accept this fully.

6 comments:

  1. Now that is one seemingly impossible task- to accept this fully. Don't know if I could do it!

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  2. Some day I hope I also learn to accept. CD1 is around the corner for me too. In bed with horrible cramps.

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  3. I do the same thing. In my mind, there is the little voice using every single thing that could be a symptom of pregnancy to give me hope. The other voice is much too quiet, you know the one that says here's why you're not pregnant. I don't know if I'll be able to accept this either.

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  4. I'm with you on the tube thing...the fact that my tubes "might" be functioning and my hormones are fine and the right days are used...seems not to mean pregnancy for me. At least not for the last seven months. Sort of makes me think my "might" is really a "might not."

    I hope I can learn to accept this too.

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  5. Accepting this path for now is hard...no control..uncertain future. *sigh* Hoping for better days for the rest of us IF girls who are still left waiting.

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  6. The nat'l progesterone builds in your system, so give it another month or so and you'll see even more improvements in your LP.
    There is no way to stamp out every last little bit of hope. I don't know why -it can be so freakin' painful to keep hoping- but I don't think I ever want to accept that pregnancy may never happen. I know for a lot of people that is a goal - just accept their reality and be happy with it - but I can't wrap my mind around the concept.

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