Monday, August 16, 2010

limbo

I finally put all of my charts since December on FF. The last 3-4 months have variations of the same pattern: 1-5 days of spotting before CD1. (Well, or you could say the first day IS CD1.) I did not formerly have this pattern. I noted carefully, BTW, that it's always light-red spotting - looks like cranberry juice on a tissue I guess - no brown at all.

It's funny how all the "academic" information that doesn't apply to my case falls right out of my head (whereas I remember random geography trivia from second grade). And then a vague memory resurfaces: low luteal-phase temps and early spotting (not brown) mean low progesterone, right? Not that I haven't always had wonky levels, but I didn't have those objective signs of low progesterone before (just the endo that always seems to cause it to be low). So now I need something to fix that, but I've heard such horror stories of progesterone side effects, and if I take one of those things that raises it on that rising-tide-lifts-all-ships basis, like clomid or tamoxifen or (maybe) femara, then one of the ships it will raise is - the cysts.

Can't win, don't try.

I do need to look into the supplements for my DH (thanks much to all of you, and especially TCIE for providing the hyperlink!), and I did schedule an appointment with Tepeyac (at which I will ask about depo, femara, and HCG. And this time, I will bring documentation). This sounds insane after all my complaints, but they will not call me back about the thyroid blood draw I did weeks ago (I have now called twice to ask about it - why do I even bother?), and they are the only people from whom I could get a prescription for the Erfa supplement (and a PRN prescription at that!).

So until I find out whether my dosage needs to be raised, and get any necessary prescription, I won't fire them (and as soon as I do, I will, and find another RE). This is pragmatic bordering on the exploitative, but what am I to do? I didn't tell the regular endocrinologist to ignore and ridicule me, and I didn't tell Tepeyac to refuse to answer my calls or read my emails or give a damn whether my ovaries have been invaded by aliens. I have to look out for myself, because it's abundantly clear that nobody else is. What a complete failure the medical community is. And I don't even want anything that isn't already prescribed regularly and sold commercially.

On other fronts...the insane old people selling the house I want continue to be insane and old, and come up with associated additional drama. Most recently: they have told their realtor that they're not sure whether they want to sell - to anybody. (Their latest listing, for reference, went up three weeks ago. And before that, the house spent 18 months on the market. Then off the market for 6 months before they just recently listed it again. So this is not a logical time for a sudden change of heart.)

It seems they can never make up their minds - though I imagine that an offer at their (outrageous*) asking price for all three parcels together, with no offer contingencies regarding the fact that a developer would need historic registry approval to knock down the existing house, would make up their minds straightaway. Frankly, I would be better off waiting for these loony (attemptedly) profiteering old people to die, and I am more than willing to do so.

In the interim, I will go through the house one more time (have been trying to schedule this for a week, but apparently they won't answer their realtor's calls, so no luck so far), photograph everything that's worth asking our friends questions about, and then make one offer: the exact number I think the house is worth. (I would have started with a lower offer, but they allegedly have several competing ones, so no back-and-forth bargaining opportunities will exist.) The listing broker has told me that it has to be a "good" offer - i.e., at least the asking price - but the same-age, also falling-down house across the street was sold with 35% more land last December, for $50k less than this house's list price. So he is LYING (or some sugar-coated version thereof), and he can take his fictional offer requirements and stuff them.

My opinion of the real estate profession is about the same as my opinion of the fertility medicine profession right now: i.e., even the good ones can't be trusted an inch farther than you can throw them.

In other news...my DH and I have had a delightful cycle of screaming at each other just recently, which I always enjoy. I don't suppose that two days of pre-cycle spotting and wild hormones and tormenting myself with the possibility that no normal cycle means I could be pregnant have anything to do with my contributions to that. I am so exhausted and even though I know his impending departure is making me more upset, and even though we have now made peace and stopped yelling, I will be so relieved when he's gone. I want my house to myself.

Of course, in addition, I can't wait for his travel schedule to be over in a few months. I know that I'm blessed to have a husband who loves me (difficulties we may have, but we know we have a good marriage), but this past year has been nothing but bad for our marriage. This is no way for people to live.

And in other news (actually sort of related)...a coworker told me that a local law school hires working attorneys to teach legal writing courses. This is an amazing opportunity in that I am, superficially at least, perfectly qualified to do it. My attitude toward applying for something super-competitive that I'm technically underqualified for, like a full-time position teaching law, is the same as my attitude toward planning for a pregnancy: it's not worth wasting five minutes or a single sheet of paper, because long shots pan out all the time - but not for me. IF has taught me to give up hoping not just for a family, but for finding a happy life at all.

So, anyway, it's a blessing to have something to think about that doesn't require hope for an unlikely outcome. Based on what little I know so far, I'd be a natural choice for this program - if not this year, then in a few years. And that would be a baby step toward making something I'd really love (teaching) eventually, through many more baby steps, become a likely outcome - something for which I don't have to raise my hopes at all.

Thus, my broader goals: figure out what in my life would really make me happy. (I have been pondering on this for months, with no real clarity. Father's suggestions - I'm seeing him again this coming Friday - of adopting or working with the poor** are duds. Both of those sound like things that would make me UNhappy right now.) And then, maneuver myself to a place from which achieving that would be almost effortless. I guess that means my bottom line goal is - figure out how never to be seriously disappointed again. I don't feel I have the stamina for any more, for life.


*In early 2008 - pre-crash - they had advertised the total property at price X. Rapidly, also pre-crash, they dropped the price by 20% (so far, so good). Then they left it at that number for 18 months (pre- and post-crash) while it failed to sell. Then they took it off the market, and then recently returned it to the market, post-crash, at... .33% less than the prior price. No, I don't mean 33% or 3.3%; I mean .33%. As in, a third of 1%.

**Teens and kids excepted. That might be good, actually.

6 comments:

  1. Regarding the medical stuff, don't ever feel bad about looking out for yourself - you are your only advocate!!!

    I'm so sorry that you and your husband have had problems with this IF stuff - seriously, IF does a number on a lot of marriages. I think any that can survive all this mess has to be worth a ton!

    Hang in there!!!

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  2. my guy took Fertilaid as per RE's recommendation (and our RE, for whatever it's worth, is one of the best in Canada). i also got him to exercise, drink more water (and less soda), eat organic, and to consume way more whole grains, produce, and lean proteins. something worked because his crappy sperm became just good enough (barely) for the IVF. i was thrilled.

    i was one of those people for whom using clomid lengthened my luteal phase. (a permanent thing- 9 or 10 days to 13 or 14.) but clomid, as you pointed out, could play havoc with your cysts. have you tried using natural progesterone cream? you can buy it OTC.

    i hope your medical team starts working with you although that looks doubtful. they sound unprofessional.

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  3. I was on progesterone suppositories for luteal phase defect. It wasn't so bad. I didn't notice much in the way of side effects.

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  4. I didn't really have any side effects when I was on progesterone. I'd try it and see how it affects you. Sorry you are still dealing with real estate craziness and stress with your husband.

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  5. I agree with progesterone for the luteal phase since the clomid/femera generate cysts (I HATE cysts and I would gladly give up clomid/femera if I would ovulate on my own).

    I think the Father is perhaps encouraging you to just try something, anything. It’s very easy to sit on the sidelines and guess that something is going to make you unhappy, and an entirely different thing to actually try it and see what happens. My natural inclination is often to be the sidelines idea shooter-downer and I need my husband to point out that I’m not even giving it a try. Now, I wouldn’t advocate that with adoption b/c you clearly aren’t very open to it at this point & it is a serious commitment and honestly, not for everyone, but I would be open to his other suggestions and at least try one of them before giving up on all of them. Another blogger was dealing with grief/sadness and it was suggested to her by a priest to likewise help out a charity (temporarily, I think). She did and my understanding was that it helped her tremendously. I didn’t get the impression that it was a forever & always type of thing, but something she needed in the here and now.

    I think (and am only guessing) that sometimes these suggestions aren’t given because they are a PERFECT fit for us and are the key to lifetime bliss, but rather because they are forcing us to move and to do something, even something a little uncomfortable, and to push ourselves forward when seem to be stuck emotionally or spiritually. I’ve been on the receiving end of some crazy suggestions during my grief and, looking back, that is my conclusion of why it was suggested.

    Of course, I could be way off base and the priest just needs a helping hand or he actually thinks those things will be what is going to make you happy (which is probably the case with the adoption suggestion, but again, it isn’t for everyone). I don’t know, Misifit. I’m just trying to see the other side and that may not be what you need now and, if it isn’t, I apologize. I’m not a big believer in finding ONE big thing that will make you happy because of past experiences. I obsessed on a career since I was in middle school and was horribly disappointed to learn that it didn’t make me happy at all when I got there. Now, I tend to focus on all the small things which, added to together, bring happiness to me. However, that is me and maybe not what you need at all. I’m so concerned that I’m sounding preachy and stepping on toes and that isn’t what I’m trying to do here so I hope you understand that I’m not always very articulate.

    Teaching the legal research and writing course is a great opportunity. Not only does it give you experience for your resume, but it gives you an idea of how well you would actually fit in a teaching position. My guess is that you would fit well. I’ve known several people who have done this same thing with the local law schools in the area and all enjoyed the experiences tremendously (although none of them switched to permanent teaching afterwards). I hope you do throw your name in the hat now even if there isn’t a current opening. That way the school will know about you when there is an opening.

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  6. I stand in awe of Ann's comment - it's long, but there is an amazing amount of wísdom in there. I think I've said before that one of the worst parts of IF was that I was required to devote so much time to work that I couldn't figure out how to do charitable work - although I knew it would make me feel better.
    One more voice saying that progesterone wasn't that bad for me. I used the vaginal pessaries (which could be taken orally, but I tried to avoid that). I also had injections, but I was glad I could switch between the two because I did get sore. Perhaps it's worth giving a try - you can always drop it if you decide that it's making you feel poorly.

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