Thursday, July 8, 2010

revenge

My innards apparently noticed my Marion Cotillard comment below. They lack full control of my vocal cords, but have nevertheless rendered a fairly coherent message to the effect of "You're never going to have 36-inch hips again, as a result of which you would look appalling in that dress, and if you're not grateful for what you have, you can always be made to wish you had it back."

On what only seems like an unrelated note, never in my adult life have I been wrong in a conclusion about the state of my health. I am always vindicated by the medical professionals once I am tested. (Sometimes - as in the case of The Ineffectiveness of the Synthroid - it takes longer to be vindicated than other times.) Pregnancy "scares" do not count because, despite my shadowy imaginings, if I were actually called upon to put money down, I would never have bet on being pregnant yet. (Although I recognize that POAS is in a fairly literal way putting $10 down on the theory of being pregnant. Moving on.)

So, for example, when I first thought in 2004 that I might likely have appendicitis and was certainly sick enough for a trip to the ER, I had appendicitis AND CYSTS. And adhesions. When just after I got off the lupron (haaaaaate lupron), I told my surprised OB/GYN that I had another cyst, this time on the right side, I turned out to have another cyst (at 2.5cm already), on the right side.

And for the past couple of days, when I have felt a lot of dull-stabby pains (very localized, but as if you were stabbing energetically with, say, a butter knife rather than a needle) on both ovaries (moreso on the right), I know that the cysts are back, and have done a lot of growing in the last week or so. Or else something has provoked them severely in that time. Either way. I did feel some ovarian pinching during menstruation the last few cycles, which I knew could well be a harbinger of cysts. But since it was rare and mild, I didn't pay it much mind. This is more unpleasant and has been frequent, verging on constant. I don't like it (I could take pain relievers, but haven't felt inclined to as I don't see that solving my larger problem). It started on what was either CD8 or CD10 (depending on whether the two days of isolated bright red spotting, which I never had until the cycle before this one, should count as part of this cycle or last). So it's not implantation spotting or ovulation spotting. It's also not implantation spotting because my DH isn't around this cycle at all, and also not ovulation spotting because increasing after the pains started, I have some of the most fertile-looking CM I've had in over a year. I think my body plots to do this when I will not be able to put it to any use. But I digress.

Another point worth making is that I am not on any fertility drugs and haven't been since January - so there's nothing that should have accelerated the growth of cysts. I was debating starting low-dose clomid, but am far less inclined to now. And no, Dr. L/C still hasn't responded to the email suggesting I might try femara, which I sent her 26 days ago (I just counted). I left a message on the nurses' line this morning pointing out this fact, and also requesting a scrip to get my thyroid tested again (which she suggested). I am taking quite the active role in my own treatment. I have not, however, requested an ultrasound to confirm the presence of more cysts, because if my doctor can't find time to read my email within the month I sent it, really, what else should I be expecting? And what would I do when they found the cysts? If they're not confirmed, I don't have to think about that.

I have a few more comments on this point. Every endometriosis veteran knows that there is a categorical difference between having endometrial cysts (been there, done that, got the t-shirt, in different colors for each of the last seven years) and having endometrial cysts that hurt on a daily basis (had the surgery, got the ugly hospital socks and the bowel prep blog posts to prove it). And you all know that if you've moved into the latter territory, it's time for lupron, depo, or surgery. I just had surgery in October 2009. I am not making major surgery a semiannual event. And if my cycle returns to a normal 20-plus-days-with-discernible-indications-of-a-fertile-phase no sooner than the cysts have come back with a vengeance, then the top-notch performed-by-an-endo-expert surgery isn't worth the cute abdominal scar it left behind, and the "your best changes of getting pregnant are in the first year after surgery" advice is an even bigger load of crap.

In fact, based on my experience thus far, and if I'm doing the arithmetic right, my best chances of getting pregnant will be after both ovaries and my uterus are removed, since I will finally be free of the mysterious microscopic endogoblins (sorry, Dr. H, I guess that's endotoxins. What's the diff?) that are even now carrying on a pretty unruly picket line around the general fallopian perimeter, pounding their "We hate babies!" signs and chanting ungrammatical endogoblin chants, heedless of the recent failures of organized labor to recognize at any level the prevailing economic realities and their necessary effect on collective bargaining agreement renegotiations.

From my standpoint, "mucus is fertility" - and pixie dust is flight. Even my hideously cynical plan to get surgery, forget pregnancy, and try to improve my overall health was apparently too Pollyanna-ish for my real life. I've had enough, already.

*Above: suspected endogoblin, distinctive because properly accessorized.

3 comments:

  1. Okay, this ovarian pain - happening around ovulation time ('ish)? cd8 or so? Do you think that you might actually be ovulating, and a corpus luteum (functional cyst) is forming? Or have you had ovulation pains before and this isn't the same?
    I never felt ovulation pains until after my second surgery when my right ovary was removed - I don't know if I had ever ovulated properly though (or at least for the previous few years) because I had veeerrry irregular cycles. I know you've had shorter cycles, so possibly no ovulation there, we've established that.
    Another theory is that yes, cysts have returned. If you're in an estrogen dominant state (almost assuredly if you're not ovulating properly and not getting enough progesterone to then balance the estrogen production) - then that is hormone heaven for endo growth.
    I can say this - I had two really shitty surgeries before I went to the CEC. Years of round-the-clock pain, with months of can't-get-off-the-couch pain, followed by emergency surgeries three times. And now, 16 months post-3rd surgery, still pain-free. If, IF, you're thinking of doing surgery again...well, I'd have to recommend at least calling the CEC and asking them what they would do differently.
    Unfortunately, we know endo isn't cured with a complete hysterectomy...which totally blows, of course.
    Sorry you're in pain...

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  2. Oh, my, this is a very deep post and I am going back to read it again. I will tell you that as far as pain in my ovaries I had the WORST pain in my entire life the ONLY cycle that I ever conceived and stayed pregnant. Rumblings can be a good thing. I never had any major surgery however. I am going to read your entire blog now. Please know I am praying for you.

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  3. I love the endoglobin picture. Sorry you are still having issues with getting a reply from Dr L/C. That's sucks that you're in pain and I really hope it's not cysts. I hope you feel better soon.

    I love how you can find humor even when you are so frustrated with your body. I wish I could meet you IRL.

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