Anyway, she sent my DH a lovely message of condolence when she heard about the death of his friend. And then she included a "P.S.":
"P.S. Our son [two weeks old] has already begun demanding to meet the very important [our surname]. And [her crazy younger brother] is to be his godfather. Heaven help us! [The baby] may end up in DC!"
I think her idea here was that she's very far away from a lot of her law school friends (in Minnesota), and she was so close with everyone when we were in school together. So while she's settled into her marriage and family life now, she'd like to emphasize that that connection we all had still exists. At least, that's my best guess. As to what would suggest to her that we (and this is one of my few friends who asks about my treatment when I talk to her, so she is very much aware of our situation; we were diagnosed infertile before she started dating her husband) specifically need to hear about her baby in every message - yeah, I have no idea. You could even say that the baby was off-topic in a sympathy note, perhaps.
And this is what my husband wrote to her:
Thank you so much for your email. I'm afraid he had already been, in a sense, dead for some time. What his friends are mourning is the friend we knew, not what he was in his last years. He was quite a character, and impressed this fact on everyone who met him. I'll miss him a lot.I know that last year must have been very hard for you, as well, after [her mother's long-term boyfriend] died. It's very hard to lose people we love, especially when it happens unexpectedly. It could be that this sorrow made us appreciate the glimmers of joy life provides, but I'm not so sure I believe that anymore. I'd like to, but I'm not sure that I do.Congratulations to you and [her husband] on the birth of your son. I have been meaning to write. I know it must seem an odd phenomenon, but it's come to be very hard to share in the joy of others when a child is born. I think that may be because it's very difficult for them to share in the sorrow of not being able to have children. The worst part has been seeing how [the misfit] suffers. I've been advised that this gets better but I don't know that I believe that, either. At any rate, I know that you will be an amazing mom.Thank you again for your kind note, [her name]. It would have been very thoughtful for a normal person, but for you it was just you being [her name]. You're a wonderful person and I hope that this finds you well.
If she's responded to him yet, I haven't heard.