Can I tell you how unexpectedly and unreasonably happy it makes me to look possessively over this list and all the things with lines through them? One of the things about the list that gives me a bizarre Gollum-like pleasure in examining it over and over is the anticipation of showing it to my husband when he gets home. No matter how many nice things he says about all the things I get done (given that we both work full-time, and, while he definitely does a lot of stuff around the house, I view the housework as my responsibility), the idle comments he lets slip have finally convinced me that he thinks our house is a pigsty and I do nothing but read the internet all day. He says that's not what he thinks, but I believe differently. But there's no arguing with this list. It's an IMPRESSIVE list. It contains things he did NOT think I would be taking on.
(Accuracy break: I read the internet a LOT. But my house is really hot, and I can't be doing chores all the time, and I feel like the internet is my zero-human-energy way to fill time when my brain is not able to work with the grieving infertility, missing my husband, loneliness for companionship, and pressing desire for people to leave me alone so I can have some peace and quiet and get things done. The internet is a cool-down opportunity so my brain doesn't overheat, OK? And I feel the need to use it for substantial periods each day.)
As usual, with me, there's eight paragraphs of introductory material and a sentence or two of point. The point is, one of the items on the list is that I have to make an appointment to have a physical. I haven't had one in several years, and I know I have moles that need to be looked at, and probably other things. I have a bit of mental energy for being told unpleasant things by medical professionals. All that mental energy and then some is consumed even by my lackluster approach to fertility treatment (there's a reason I put off making THAT first appointment for so long!). So I am about to have gone two years without seeing the dentist, even though I knew I needed six fillings two years ago. I don't want a dozen root canals (in fact, I would refuse them), but part of me would prefer that to having my life become an unending nightmare of medical treatment. At least when most people have to live like that, THEY ARE RETIRED. At least they have TIME for the pain and suffering. In addition to dealing with this misery, I have to take time off work and wander into my boss's office periodically to tell him that yet another professional needs to analyze my defective person. At some point, he's going to realize that I'm just a hazard to the workplace.
I got brave and tackled this matter. There's a great hospital really near me that I already use to get my blood drawn - so I know they take my insurance. To minimize the medical misery, I'm going to get all my treatment (other than dental and RE) in one place - one set of directions to memorize, less stress, less complexity what with the horrible city and the horrible parking and the horrible traffic and the horrible lateness getting absolutely anywhere. So I was brave, and I searched on the hospital website for a female doctor practicing family medicine at that address.
AND THERE AREN'T ANY. There's one male doctor, who looks kinda creepy from his picture, and another male doctor who's actually even closer to my house - but HE gives the indications of being a non-native English speaker, and I have a rule about how my doctors have to have English as a first language (otherwise we can't communicate, and after I had a colposcopy with no anesthetic, I realized just how important it was that the doctor be familiar with medicine as practiced in THIS country, and willing and able to chat with me freely while she is using sharp objects on my body. And that is it on foreign doctors for LIFE. Except Israeli doctors, I seem to do fine with them, but their English is awesome).
So what do I do? Go to a different hospital? Or will someone other than a family medicine doctor give me a general physical? Or has my insurer already picked out a PCP for me and I should use him (but preferably her)? Or should I just deal with having a male doctor? I don't plan to do that, really. Since there are female doctors, I would like to have one.
I appreciate all your great wisdom.
AND DON'T FORGET TO JOIN THE INFERTILITY CONTEST (see link on right).