Friday, May 28, 2010

running away

So the pretty house with all the acreage in the tiny town...I've been planning for several days to drive out there today, my day off, and just be there. There's a little folksy restaurant that's supposed to be awesome, where I can stop in; and a little local museum; and the house I can peer at; and the nearby mountains (maybe they're very large hills) that I can stare at longingly. It sounds like the perfect little pilgrimage to peace.

Of course, all that implies that beautiful scenery, quiet surroundings, and historic charm will solve the unrest I feel internally. And while that sounds true to me, I think I'm being naive. I'd love to move there because it would be our retreat from everything - the city, the traffic, the rhythm of the jobs that seems to drown out every other possible rhythm of life. But the fact is that we would still have those jobs if we moved (we'd just have to drive farther to get to them), and frankly, my interaction with the city isn't really making me upset or depressed. At least, I don't think so - I have noticed previously in my life that I become functionally depressed living in an urban area for extended periods, and I'm going on two years here, so the breakdown is a little overdue. I dealt with a small midwestern city OK, though - not sure why. Maybe because I lived in the suburbs?

Our surroundings can contribute to our internal peace, I know that. But we don't live in a high-rise apartment now. (I'll be honest about this, though - my unvarying sense of failure over not being a good enough homemaker is unquestionably exacerbated by the fact that my little house has large populations - multiple species - that I can't shake. The creatures in the crawl space are so extremely loud that frequently, when I hear them and am in the middle of something else, I absent-mindedly think that the upstairs neighbors are walking around. THIS HOUSE HAS ONLY ONE FLOOR. And I came home to find insects everywhere in my house, and the day before yesterday, it was clear that some species had just hatched on my countertop - dozens of tiny light-brown creatures the size of gnats, but without wings, were running around there. I sprayed the whole thing down with bleach and they appear to have died, but I am still traumatized. I am starting to hate this place. I get that buying a historic home may perpetuate these drawbacks, but at least if it's my house, I can just call an exterminator. Or a repairman to fix the roof so creatures the size of the local NFL team can't visit my crawl space at will!)

So...maybe this little sojourn at least makes for some variety over my usual "I've had a bad week and need to do something relaxing with my bit of free time" activity, which is going to the Goodwill and finding some adorable skirts for $5. (Although if I can get back to exactly the low weight I hit before two weeks of traveling by tomorrow, I am allowed to return and make another search for jeans.)

A four-day weekend sounds so nice right now...except that a dear friend, who is nevertheless an extremely difficult friend, is dropping by to see me on her way through town, and I don't know how long she's staying, and if she stays through the end of Monday I will unfortunately have to pitch myself off of something. I've become incredibly attached to my solitude since my DH started traveling. I need it to stay sane - or, as close to sane as I've been lately.


  1. Hi, I just wanted to drop you a note to say "thanks for thinking of me." I have been going pretty stir crazy. I don't like being alone, but at the same time I don't like having people around either...not quite sure what to think of that one. I haven't really felt like posting much but I will one of these days I am sure. I am still keeping up on everyone elses blogs though.

  2. Your surroundings can definitely contribute to your sanity! Hubby and I always feel like we've shed all of our cares when we step off the plane in NM and smell the desert air and see the mountains surrounding us. It's amazing.
    Hope you managed to enjoy your day off :).