Sunday, April 25, 2010

carpe infertilitatem

(assuming it's a standard third-declension feminine substantive, and why wouldn't it be?)

This post has a soundtrack, by the way. Please click play below:

Very good. Now we can continue.

I've been thinking. I know, I do that a lot, and it never seems to have any actual concrete effect in my life, does it? Except that I'd like to note that my recent thoughts about shopping manifested themselves in actual shopping, and that my angst about my decreasing metabolism and not fitting into any of my clothes finally resulted in me getting on a fitness kick. So far I have lost 13 pounds (goal is 15) and I am starting to look like the person I remember. (Although I am never able to feel that I have actually succeeded at something, I think this may be a very big achievement. It certainly took very hard work.)

Anyway, what I was thinking about is that although I am just not of the temperament that seizes the day in large things - you know, drop the legal career and go to culinary school; suddenly move to Paris; donate all my savings to the foreign missions; take two months off and hike Mt. Everest; things that some other, actual people actually do - I could seize the day in small things. And, in fact, I would like to. My DH and I do a fair bit of entertaining and I do enjoy it (though just this minute I am a bit negative about it because practically none of "our" friends have said boo to me in the three weeks he has been gone for work, and I am starting to think that maybe they are not "our" friends at all. They are his friends, and when he is around, they are civil to me so that they can see him. I am admittedly very difficult, and eccentric, and so I guess I can't blame them, but I would really like to have friends who particularly enjoy my company. There are people whose company I enjoy, so...).

However, I have been thinking lately that I might prefer to take a weekend on which I would otherwise waste a few (dozen?) hours watching stuff on hulu, stay up to late, and do a couple of chores - and just hit the road Friday night with my husband. Drive into rural Virginia without a specific destination, pack a tent and a couple of sleeping bags, and just spend the weekend doing whatever leaps to mind.

And maybe, after the group canoeing trip I'm planning, I want to go with just my DH. Which is a totally different vibe than going with a group - in that case, either the activity or the company is compelling. If I go with just the husband, then the compelling reason to do it is to be with him. I'm starting to realize that there are very very few things I do just to be with him. (One leaps to mind, and it manages never to get me pregnant.)

It might be time to go click play on the song again. I'll be here.

Of course there are flaws in my plan. My own sense of spontaneity is far thinner than it might be, and I would become rapidly irritated at the loss of hours in which I wanted to start my long-overdue mending, and do my errands, and clean things, and whatever other notions I had. And I love my dh dearly, but when we spend a lot of time together, there's always a possibility we'll get in an argument about something (it's not like we have infertility or career plans or buying a house or anything to argue about), and then my getaway would just be torture, rather than an escape. And we do particularly badly on car trips (which I can never get through my head - I loved car trips as a child, and still do), because he cannot drive anywhere further than the nearest stoplight without the compulsion to get onward as fast as humanly possible, in the worst possible frame of mind. There's absolutely no sense of enjoying the trip.

Which is an interesting metaphor for spending years ttc, actually, except that I may be worse than he is at enjoying the ride, in that context.

But, anyway, I was thinking, I don't like the feeling of living for next year's vacation - hate it, actually. It strikes me that if that's how one feels, one ought to quit one's job and be homeless and starving rather than spending 50 weeks a year doing something so awful that one spends the entire time thinking about 2 weeks in Malibu to avoid having to realize what one actually does on an average day. Sheesh. (And people don't use the impersonal enough any more. Something must be done.)

However, that doesn't mean I need to fritter away all the hours during which I'm not at work on such inanities that I might as well have spent them working anyway. I could take every opportunity of two days off as an opportunity to live them to the fullest - if I want to see my husband, then really and earnestly do that, not just ten minutes here or there. And if I really want to see my friends, then I should put everything into doing that - not starting at 8PM (or 10PM!), but for the day.

And I love it that my DH and I are so married that we can spend all our social time around third parties and never gross them out with our excessive involvement with each other, but also be very much married to each other; and never resent the encroachment on our time. They can be in my house 'till 4AM. I'll make dinner and everyone can come. They're not invading my space. I actually really like that about my marriage. But I've just started to think I might like to start being ungenerous with our time. He travels so much we just don't have that much of it. I don't want to share him all the time. I want to look at him and think that I want him all to myself. I want to live our romance intensively, sometimes. I want to be, more.

I don't have any idea what I mean, actually.

OK, here's part of something I might mean, or have meant: one hears about bucket lists and we have New Year's resolutions and whatnot (I'm doing well with everything on mine but the faith/spiritual aspects. How disappointing is that?). But I was thinking I need to start over with a different list. I need a list of things to do this year - or to do periodically - that are not spectacular enough to be on a bucket list and not serious enough to be a resolution. I need to make a list of things to do, and do them, that are exactly the sort of things one is not supposed to need to make a list, in order to do. The sort of things a young dating couple will avoid all their other life priorities in order to do on a Saturday, without having to be reminded.

I'm still not making any sense. But you make a list, too, OK?


  1. Misfit, I would totally visit you just to hang out with you, eccentricities and all! Having your DH gone so frequently has to be hard and I think that claiming time with him when he is home is completely rational.

  2. Wow, I really can identify with this post. Without going into a ton of detail, both my husband and I love, love, love to host parties, do social events, etc. We live out in the boondocks (our choice) so we don't entertain as often as we (or maybe just me) would like - because hey it is hard to convince people who live in the Cities to drive an hour out to our house on a regular occassion. That being said, we spend a lot ot time with family as well - but then again it is us and others.

    I always thought my DH preferred this because he is a very social person and gets along with everyone. But last year at a church fundraiser we bid on a cabin in the Rockies in Montana for a week stay. We won it and were super excited. The cabin is big so we could easily invite 2 more couples to join us (and oh, split the cost) and when I asked him who he wanted to invite and I was already rattling off names, he looked at me and said, "I thought it would be nice to be just the 2 of us". I was a bit taken aback, and I think I had a little glimpse into his heart that he actually like spending one on one time with me. (Duh! I know you are probably like - "you are married, of course he wants to spend one on one time.") And we do that in normal existence - dinners and evenings together at home. But that is still most likely (at least on the weeknights) doing our normal individual things - him watching TV, me on the computer, we will sometimes pray a rosary or something, you get my drift.

    I won't belabor the point (probably too late). But here is my list - find a rustic cabin / resort to go to over our anniversary weekend next month (in state), schedule a few "just get up and go" weekend camping trips (we love to camp!), find some estate / farmstead auction sales and suggest we go to them. We don't really need anything, but it is always fun to look and my DH is like a kid in a candy store around anything farm related. Thanks again for the thought provoking post! God Bless!

  3. Congratulations on your health achievements - gold stars for you :)

    One thing dh and I did for awhile - we set aside 1 weekend a month (or Saturday a month, whatever) where we would take it in turns to plan something to do, for just us 2. ie. I decided we should try snowshoeing - and dh has to come along and do it - and the next month, it's the other person's turn to plan (ie. go to a concert; go hiking; go to a movie ...). We didn't tell each other the event until the day of or the night before, and the rule was, you had to jump in and try it out, even if it wasn't something you might think of doing at first. This avoided the "what shoujld we do? i dunno, what do you want to do?" thing that we sometimes fall into. It added some mystery & excitement too as you never knew quite what would happen on an "adventure" day or weekend. And sometimes the choices were a bit of a surprise! Of course, some activities are more expensive than others so budget is a consideration too.

    I hope you & your hubs get some good time in together. It is hard when one person travels alot.

    Blessings to you & your family,


  4. I want to hang out with you IRL! Too bad you're so far away.

    I like your list idea. I am going to do it in a post on my blog. I like making lists.

    love the post. and the song.

  5. I think it's excellent to want to hang out with just each other and at the same time have such a relationship that does not send people puking over the side because of all the PDA. Ha! Also, what is wrong with trying to go as fast as possible on the roads? Hehe.

    For what it's worth, we are trying to carpe our infertilydeum. We took sailing lessons last summer and are thinking of horseback riding lessons this summer. (Clearly not if I'm pregnant...) In some ways, I wish we could take extravagant vacations as a subtle 'screw you' to unappreciative fertiles, but it's not like us to blow money like that when we could do several fun (albeit more moderate) fun things and still enjoy the marriage that God has blessed us with.

    Hope you get the time you want just with your hubby!

  6. I definitely understand needing to make the effort to do more than just watch tv with the DH. I need work on that.