Wednesday, April 14, 2010

BFN

Hey y'all, I remembered to POAS this morning. (Sorry for making you wait, Sew. I laughed out loud at your comment, but I only had one HPT left, and I would have wondered whether it was a false result if I had used it last night.) At four days late, it would have been positive if it were ever planning to. (You're right, Dr. G, that I should be counting post-ovulation, and you should see my chart - there's a reason I can't tell. Um, part of that reason is because I'm not taking my temperatures. And I will. If I ever menstruate again...)

I watched that thing for a good five minutes (instructions say two), but it was serenely confident in its result. I guess I don't blame it. Part of me really believed I was pregnant this time - I arguably have a symptom or two (but they're nonspecific; exhaustion, for example, this past weekend), but only because some part of my brain says that a missed period earns you a positive pregnancy test, for sure. And all of you are thinking, well, not necessarily, and the world thinks, if you know you missed a period, what do you need to test for? One more way in which IF is not like reality at all.

On the other hand - and I will not really get into this now, but soon, because I need to get dressed for work 25 minutes ago - I wanted it to be negative. No, actually, I wanted a positive test; I was disappointed by the negative. But I didn't want to be pregnant. I've grown attached to things in my life - material things, exclusively, I realize - that I would have to lose if I had a baby. That's not how it should be; if there are things I don't want to let go of, they should be of more intrinsic value than purchasing power. My housing obsession is a substitute for babies, but it's not supposed to eclipse them as a goal. However, for whatever it may be worth, that is apparently the Lord's intent in my life. I don't believe He'll ultimately stand opposed to me having a house that I really love. He has been very unhelpful, however, on the pregnancy front. I'm not sure how much I can be faulted for wanting the less precious things for myself, if that's what He wants for me, too.

Ah, well.

Oh, yes, anybody with info on the pill and endometriosis, read my previous post, will you? Any information you can share would be so, so much appreciated.

14 comments:

  1. I'm very sorry about the BFN, but I understand what you mean about the concern over losing some things with a baby. It's true. I've been thinking about that. The biggest thing DH and I will lose is freedom. Things you could once do on a whim or with a minimal of planning jump to a whole new level when you have a child to include. It takes an unexpectedly huge rearrangement in thinking. We didn't realize how huge until faced with the reality. It's interesting to see.

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  2. Blah. I'm so sorry about the BFN, but I had to smile at your comment that if God wants you to get a house instead of a baby, it's hardly your fault for wanting the less precious of the two ;-) Praying for you as always!

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  3. Sorry about the BFN. I know how you feel about wanting a positive, but also being hesitant about what that brings along with it (losing your lifestyle). Hope your house is born soon! :)

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  4. I wish the results would have gone differently. I am sorry this month played with your emotions, that always makes it harder! Oh to be dh(s) and blissfully ignorant! :)

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  5. Darn it...I was thinking about you this morning and I just had to get on this blog and see the results! I was hoping for you...I know all to well...IF..well...stinks. period. Hmmm...so the question and mystery remains...where is AF? I've never skipped a cycle..never! If mine went missing at my age...I could start thinking perimenapausal...but you? You are too young for that. Hmmm.......

    I have no info about the pill or endo. I had endo but I think mine was related to my diet and the fact I haven't had any children. I've just heard that the pill makes for less endo pain. Good luck with that...I will pray for your little sister that she finds a good and moral answer to her cycle issues. God bless.

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  6. Booo on the BFN, but I know what you're saying about the how the BFP after all this time would/will change things you've become accustomed to. Hope you're ok *HUG*

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  7. I'm so sorry about the BFN.

    And yes, I do understand about the real estate obsession, although I don't post about mine I'm always looking and dragging my poor husband to open houses!

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  8. So sorry about the BFN and for what it is worth. I have had the same thoughts about wanting "less precious things" since God obviously has that desire for me. It is a very jagged pill to swallow.

    ((hugs))

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  9. So sorry about the BFN. Now I'm curious as to what is going on with your cycle.

    And I'm a little upset the dr. didn't do a blood test. If you were PG, that's the first thing the would do anyway. No harm, no foul.

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  10. sorry about the BFN. i completely understand you wanting a +, but not. makes me feel 110% better that i'm not the only one thinking that way!

    am very curious about what is going on with your cycle though... especially since being late isn't the norm for you. curiouser and curiouser.

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  11. So sorry about the BFN. I still think the longer cycle is a good sign that maybe things are turning around in that department? But, I don't know much and should probably just be silent. :)

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  12. Sorry about the BFN. I understand your thoughts about how things would change if you did have a baby. Your real estate obsession is understandable, especially since that seems to be something that God will let you achieve and pregnancy might not be.

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  13. sorry for the negative test, but don't lose hope! We are all prayign for your success and BFP soon :)

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  14. So sorry. The feeling BFN feeling is not very fun. I e-mailed you about your last post.

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