I think it may be time for a removal of all baby/pregnancy blogs from my blogroll. Sure, I feel all harsh and judgmental, and maybe it's the hormones. But I was catching up on my comments and read that one (quite pregnant) infertile is conducting an infertility retreat with her church, and I about lost it. (No secret who she is, conceivably she might read this. Not intended to be a secret.) I asked whether she had considered the effect this might have on some people attending, but that's not the phrasing that magically appeared in my head the second I read that. I about lost my mind. I know, rage, the hormone drugs, I got it. Way overreacting to things. But those things are still a provocation on some level. And I don't feel as though I can deal.
I'm not usually freaked out by pregnancy/baby stuff - usually bored or annoyed, nothing else. Not usually jealous or depressed. I don't know that I'm really depressed now, either; I just perceive the baby stuff as a social gaffe on a titanic scale, that I absolutely cannot smile and ignore ('cause I'm psycho. I covered that, right?). So I guess this is my same typical reaction, but on steroids. It comes out all different ways, in my head. Things to do with Before any former [?] infertile posts a single baby picture, she should be required to read every post she has ever written on the subject of others' baby news and how it affected her, and also If you're a few weeks pregnant and never comment on my blog, why do I keep reading under the illusion that you will deliver the baby and then spend lots of time following along with my life? Because I'M AN IDIOT.
Not pretty, right? I think I may need to be restrained before I start leaving these on other people's blogs.
Also, still-infertile-childless gals, y'all are complicit. (Not in my insanity, in the inadequate provocation that is serving as the catalyst for my insanity.) Normally my judgment would be too good to post this, but said judgment has taken a hiatus, so here goes: everyone has a "your pregnancy joy might cause me to die in agony at my computer" day some time. Some people have those days every day, and pretty much everyone has them at minimum regularly. So most of us bravely write something congratulatory, and those of us who are possessed by madness make it super over-the-top hysterically joyful.
And you know what makes the baby posts unbearable for me? Not the pictures (I want to see exactly one picture of each baby - maybe a new one each year. That is all that I need to satisfy my curiosity and be happy for the mother. After that it is baby picture por.n, and we all know [or so I thought] that infertiles do not do baby picture por.n). What bothers me is the seventeen million comments (from people who never commented so regularly before - what's with THAT?) and they're ALL ecstatic. If people could stop pretending that they're all super-joyful, implying that all other readers are the only ones who are childless and kinda not happy about that, we could stop being complicit in the poisoning of each other's peace of mind we all take part in every time this happens. (And in fairness, I do this too, which is only Exhibit Q or something in this post that I'm an idiot.)
'Cause the new momma is not going to take her baby back to the issuer if she fails to get dozens of comments saying that it's real pretty. Seriously, she's not. What she needs to do is solicit the email addresses of everyone who wants to be sent baby pictures, and limit herself to one post in five being about the baby. If that means she rarely posts, she can totally reverse the usual order of things and comment lots but not post, rather than including a cute message indicating that she'd love to reply to your comments (not read your blog. Just reply to your comments about her kid) but only if she has time...
If I get pregnant, that's what I'm going to do (hold me to this, people). I'll post mostly about non-baby-related matters, and if I can't, I'll comment as much as I can and post less. Or, if brain fever sets in and I can't help myself, I'll start a new blog for pictures that could never be really precious to anyone who is not related to me.
Bottom line: other people's joy pisses me off right now. There, that was appropriately psychotic, I think.