Poster or no poster, though, I want to say that right now, I have so many reasons to be hopeful (not reflected in an unshakeable good mood or anything annoying and un-IF-like like that, but I recognize that they exist).
I posted a while ago about the lethargy and needing some energy so I could get on my exercise kick. Cathy was kind enough to tell me about some herbal supplements I could take that would help - I bought one (Guarena seed) that's supposed to provide an immediate energy boost (I got the kind with no caffeine - I already know where to get caffeine!) and one (Fo Ti root) that's supposed to heal the systems generally and improve energy levels over the long term. I've taken one of each almost every day. I'm also good at remembering my thyroid meds (now on the erfa for a month or two, can't see any difference from the synthroid, but what do I know?).
I don't remember whether I explained this, but my first day back to work after the new year (before I started on the supplements), I dragged my lethargic carcass down to the gym and set the treadmill for one mile, twelve-minute miles, no incline. I did run the whole mile. But I felt exhausted and in need of a nap the whole time. My legs weren't tired and my lungs weren't tired; I was just tired. And it finally occurred to me with great clarity what was going on that was so odd. I ran half a mile, after which I remember feeling a boost when I was healthy, but nothing. I dragged myself through the whole mile. And I realized how I would describe the experience in layman's terms - no adrenaline rush! Even when I should have had one. So then the supplements. It hasn't been night-and-day enough to be sure it's them, but I do feel a difference - something is helping.
I've been pushing my weights and distances slowly. I figured out (after months) that you're supposed to put your feet way at the end of the treads on the stairmaster, and I finally started getting a decent butt workout! I dropped to 40 flights to have more time for the treadmill, but it's still much more taxing than before. I still can't do ten reps on the lat machine at 60 pounds, but as of today I can do seven reps. Maybe next week I can do ten? And then eventually three sets of ten? And then 70 pounds!
And the best part - the very best part - is the distances. I started at one mile and in the first week moved up to 1.5. The next week I made it to 2.0. Then I missed two days (out of three a week) at the gym! I was sure I was off the wagon for good. But we just had a 3.5 day weekend - and I ran all four days. First 2 miles. Then, the last 3 days, 2.5 miles! Some evil person had the treadmill when I got to the gym yesterday, so I only got a mile in (I did some other machines, though), but today I snagged a treadmill early. I thought I might not be able to do 2.5 miles on the treadmill - my outdoor jogging speed might be even lower than I thought? But I was wrong. I did the 2.5 miles straight without a break (or drop in speed), and didn't feel like I needed one! I haven't done that in YEARS! I will admit I did get mentally weary - running on the treadmill is BORING. I have to work on distracting myself. But I wasn't tired, and I know that tomorrow I can start doing THREE miles! (I have decided my goal is definitely five miles a day by my birthday in February!)
Even more exciting - I looked down somewhere around .7 miles, and I realized I was experiencing - an adrenaline boost! That feeling of, "Let's keep running. I think I could do this forever!" It wasn't as electrifying as with the wind in your hair and the sun on your face when you're in amazing shape and might actually be able to run forever. But it was energy, and it was amazing.
I will note that I haven't, as far as I can tell, lost any net weight yet. This past weekend I went to Target and geared up for my goals - I bought a digital scale, since our analog one is so confusing, and handweights for running. I don't think I'm quite up to running with weights yet, but soon! And then I will have toned arms. I can't wait! However. My dh and I both weighed ourselves when I unboxed the scale. BOTH of us were completely horrified. We're each so horrified with our own weight that neither of us has really registered whether the other has gained significant weight. And we are both determined to whip ourselves into shape. But, although I haven't made any numerical progress on the scale yet, the progress on the fitness goals really has me motivated. It will definitely carry me for a few more weeks at this rate, and then maybe it will start having some effect on my hips!
Oh, yes, finally. Signs of hope: no more tamoxifen. I finished it. I feel mildly less psycho, but it comes and goes. I know the effects will remain for several more weeks. I don't see any particularly good cm; not sure whether to expect it this cycle. Anyway, I will try to catch p+7 and get my blood draw then, and make an appointment with Dr. L/C for after the results come back. At that time, I hope to find out whether the tamoxifen is helping, whether there are now adjusted expectations post-surgery, and what, other than tamoxifen, I can take. I think I should probably be medicated if my cycle won't normalize (and I'm being a good sport this year), but I don't like the tamoxifen and want to try something else.
I might also note that my dh will be gone almost every other (entire) month for the rest of this ttc year. This hasn't resulted in any hysterics on my part yet, but you never know when that's lurking around the corner. I guess if God were going to ordain that everything be aligned perfectly for only one cycle in this period of comparative health and it were a month when my dh is gone, then God is evil and I've chosen the wrong religion. So either way, I shouldn't worry - it will either work if it's supposed to, or I am not theologically equipped to raise a child. One or the other.
Lastly, my dh and I realized that although our recent fights have been pretty outrageous, our general MO is to be a wee bit confrontational. That's funny when we're in a good mood, but if either of us is having a difficult time, it rapidly descends into the brutal. (Verbally, you know. Neither of us is in adequate shape for hand-to-hand combat!) So, at his instance, we are starting a program of being nice to each other. I know, it sounds faintly inane, and a little oversimplified - if that worked, wouldn't we have done it already? Well, as it happens, no. So we're trying it. So far, it seems to be working pretty well.
I will let everyone know when I become a cheerful, upbeat, childlike, unerring optimist. Until then, progress.