Friday, December 25, 2009


"Those who walked in darkness have seen a great light;
Upon those who dwelt in the land of gloom a light has shone."

I love Christmas Mass at midnight, especially in Polish, especially with koledy. (And I've never seen a Polish church in the US yet that isn't magnificent.)

Christmas is, of course, for everyone, and the first Christmas for those awaiting the Messiah; but I can't help thinking that those words were written especially for us infertiles.

I thought about Mary and her one (divine) child, when other Jewish women had so many. And about the point another blogger just made - that at the circumcision, she knew she would have to GIVE HIM BACK. I used to think about that all the time, in discernment for the religious life. (I had forgotten.) I had blessings that I might have to relinquish. When I got married I stopped thinking about it. That was silly. Sometimes the blessing you most anticipate is the one you have to return.

At Christmas Mass, I told God that if His will was that I should never have children, then I could carry that cross; and I really meant it. He'll have to fix everything else I need - and the list is long - but I can carry that.

In news of far smaller import, the tamoxifen appears to have fixed my cycle completely - it's totally normal. Looks like today or tomorrow will be peak day. My husband has decided that he doesn't want to hope for a baby at all (or even think of anything as a "fertile" phase), but I managed to convince him to give today a shot.

I won't hope in two weeks to miss anything. I won't be surprised or even displeased when I get my period (unless the cycle is messed up - again). I don't consider us cycling or ttc; I'm checking off treatment obligations until I get to retire permanently. But today, TODAY I thought fondly about the idea of conceiving something. (And about how amusing it would be to conceive a child on Christmas day at a monastery...)

I know that hope on peak day and fatalism later is not quite the standard infertile thought pattern. And they say the definition of insanity is being able to hold two contradictory ideas in your head at the same time. But that's OK. I don't think I'm undermining my conviction that I'll never switch teams; and living childless in the fertile world will still mean negotiating a delicate peace. I'm mostly ready for resignation, but not dealing with fertiles well full time.

But today, I can think, it's whatever God wants. He has secrets He's not telling. And today, I'm OK with that.


  1. I really do love and feel peaceful at the Christmas midnight mass myself. Our church does such a beautiful service and last night...I knelt before the nativity and I prayed for all of my IF blog friends and all infertile women(my dh and I got to church early to make sure we had a was perfect timing for this quiet time of prayer). God bless and Merry Christmas.

  2. I'm glad to hear you are feeling peaceful today and that the Christmas Mass was lovely. I'm glad that you are at least feeling like you've give every possible support for a possible pregnancy, whether children are God's will for you or not.

  3. Hey girl - I'm glad to see you are coming to the point where you are okay with accepting what God asks of you! I pray that He will give you MORE than you could have imagined. That's what happened for us when we resigned our "control" if we really had any to begin with.

    Wishing you and your DH a Merry Christmas!

    PS - Midnight Mass was always my fav. too

  4. So glad that you got a glimpse of peace on Christmas. I also feel as if I am just crossing things off as far as treatments go, rather than actually "trying." I know how you feel. And I know how it feels to have a moment of hope (mine is usually mid-way through my luteal phase) and then totally expect to start a new cycle. After all, why would we think our reproductive organs are capable of anything other than menstruating after all these cycles??

    And if that's the definition of insanity, then consider me insane! Infertility has made me feel like a walking contradiction!

  5. That's okay. You don't have to hope for anything in a couple of weeks, but allow us to hope for you. There isn't anything wrong with having hope for your friends.

    I missed commenting on your last post due to my schedule, but I read it and I understand. On every level, I assure you, I understand. I left my career and, even though it was of my own choice, it later made me feel like a failure. Why go through that much schooling to sit at home? All was not lost because it was to start a family, but, well, you know how that turned out. Failure again. Most people think I am very social, but they never realize the effort I put into coming up with benign topics to talk about in advance. I don't want to discuss the career, or lack of family, or faith (and there are friars in my life as well). I try to focus on the other person as much as possible and avoid all conversation which centers on me. Healthy? Probably not, but neither is dealing with IF. I know you are/were in a different situation and I cannot completely relate to it, but I hope it went better than you anticipated.

  6. I have hope on peak day and fatalism later ALL.THE.TIME.!!! So, you're not alone :) And it is good to read your posts as you resign yourself to whatever God has in store. I know it'll be better than you can imagine (kids or not)!!!

  7. wow. lots of good resolutions here. i will take few. :)
    good luck and work on them slowly. there is a lot there to strive for- nice going!