However, it strongly appears that I didn't cheat enough. I should have made it one-eighth strength and done shots...my understanding is that this wretched substance is supposed to be a laxative, not an emetic. I was dry heaving during the first dosage. During the second, I actually threw up. It mostly tastes salty, but with an unmistakable "lab chemical" flavor that convinces all of the forces in my digestive system that it should not be consumed or, at least, not retained. I have now given up completely. There is no point me trying to down this stuff if I am literally going to vomit it. In a fabulous demonstration of its helpfulness, Tepeyac is closed on Sunday with no communication with any outside party, and I am not calling an emergency line, as I am not in pre-term labor. So I need a substitute (suggestions ENTIRELY welcome).
At this point it becomes time to peruse the container carefully. As near as I can make out, the ACTIVE ingredient (in every sense) is polyethylene glycol, which I think kills cats, but I'll let that slide for the moment. It ALSO contains a substantial concentration of salts, including sodium (the apparent source of the salty flavor), potassium, and several others. Since the word "electrolytes" appears in large letters on the label, it seems clear that these salts are included to cause the body to retain a lot of the water that comes with the preparation, so as to avoid dehydration, a potentially dangerous side effect of diarrhea.
Here's my thought on this: who here is a moron? Yes, if you're going to induce a system purge, water and electrolytes are key. But these are helpfully sold in every grocery store and gas station in America in the form of Gatorade, which does not, to my knowledge, induce immediate vomiting. I grant that I am assuming that polyethylene glycol in water would taste better than this death cocktail, but even if I'm wrong, I strongly suspect that the polyethylene glycol (which is a white powder) could be provided in pill form, and patients simply told to drink Gatorade in the requisite quantity - they could even wash the pills down with it! Or the powder could be stirred into the gatorade, whose nuclear flavors are strong enough to conceal almost anything, including actual poison, which I am not convinced this isn't (see cats, above).
This is so obvious that the only conceivable reason the medical community has not come up with it is sadism. I am tempted to contact my med student friend and ask her how I could put this remedy together myself in my kitchen, but she has taken on the attitude that she has to take doctors' sides against me absolutely no matter what the circumstance and no matter how obvious that I am merely trying to vent (I note here that she is getting divorced and I do NOT reflexively take her attorney's side, or that of the law in general, and this "doctors are right and you're a bad patient" shtick is getting a bit tiresome), so I am on my own.
Happily, I do have some chocolate Exlax tablets tucked into the medicine cabinet. They recommend adults take two at a time, up to four a day, so I have taken two and am thinking of going for six total. They supposedly take 6-12 hours to work, which will be inconvenient what with me planning to go to Mass at 7:30, but at least that will be before my surgery.
Not pleased. Not pleased at all.