Wednesday, August 12, 2009

2ww

I don't think I've ever written a post with this title and I tried to stop myself. I did. It's one thing if you can't help yourself; but I already have the rage, the pointless resentment, the exhausting fatalism, the horrible biting sarcasm, the approach to faith and fertility that doubtless makes the other Catholics (and the evangelicals, the Mormons, and the Jews - who am I forgetting?) despair. For the most part I have retired from the 2ww, and I should let those with better claim to it suffer in peace.

But no.

I get that you're supposed to have implantation pains around 5dpo, and that my weird, strange cramps - that I got for about an hour, two days in a row, and that nearly laid me out flat for the first twenty minutes - were at 3dpo and 4dpo, and anyway, nobody has two days of implantation pain in a row (unless maybe they have twins with really precise timing, but let's be serious here). I knew the pains were just the rotten endo (with special tamoxifen effects for kicks!), and in fact briefly considered that I might have a bladder infection - but that wouldn't have gone away again. You all understand, though, I am infertile, I am mentally weak. Any new symptom any time after ovulation is an almost irresistible temptation. And I was fighting it. I was.

Then, of course, to mock and scorn me, my temperature dropped from 98.2 to 97.9. Naturally, if I were pregnant, it would be tri-phasic - stay high and then get even higher. Despite my many, many reproductive irregularities, every cycle my temperature obediently drops on CD1, or the last day of the previous cycle. (Which is to say, bi-phasic. My body sets its expectations appropriately low.) Usually to about 97.9, maybe 97.7. This time it dropped at 5dpo. So, what, I have a tamoxifen-induced luteal phase defect, to replace my naturally-occurring luteal phase defect that didn't even result in an early temperature drop? It stayed at 97.9 on 6dpo, by the way. IT'S NOT EVEN THE SECOND WEEK YET.

Today is 7dpo. I didn't take my temperature, because I got up extra-early to take my ueber-responsible self to the hospital to donate some of my blood to the cause of science - specifically, empirical research into the results of a third tamoxifen cycle on the reproductively hopeless. I had to ballpark my ovulation date even more vaguely than usual (with the added twist that my estimate this time was before CD14 - a supposed impossibility, on tamoxifen), so we shall see whether Dr. C believes me about my screwy (even medicated) "fertile" phases now.

But it's not over. My body's going to have the last laugh in this comedy of errors (we'll see who's laughing when I throw in the towel and go on depo, but that is another lifetime and another post), and here is its very latest bit of fun. For the last three days, I have had cottonmouth. I've never had this except with flu or extreme dehydration (I currently have neither), so it's quite noticeable. I know Monday was super-hot, but I really did try to drink lots of water. I usually end up dehydrated at the office anyway (don't know why, it's just drying), but I noticed that my mouth was really dry immediately after taking a sip of water. Which is not normal.

Of course (I should be slapped for this) I consulted Dr. Google about whether cottonmouth might be a pregnancy symptom. Typical lawyer (and apparently doctor) answer: maybe. (Actually, lawyer answer is "It depends.") Apparently you produce more saliva when you're pregnant. But, some women get cottonmouth anyway. Not that I would have a highly eccentric pregnancy symptom starting at FIVE dpo, the day my temperature DROPPED, but whatever. Oh, you know what else cottonmouth can be a symptom of? Crystallization of saliva (sort of like kidney stones) that get stuck in your salivary glands. And since I've read that, I've noticed that my mouth is mostly dry on the right side...of course, nothing hurts, but maybe I will now need ORAL surgery in addition to everything else. (At least that form of hypochondria is not fertility-related!)

I haven't bought hpts in YEARS. And I refuse to buy them...I think. I don't feel remotely pregnant, and have none of the symptoms (cottonmouth and ill-timed cramps do not count). My temperatures would even appear to rule out pregnancy occurring in the last cycle. But what if I'm supposed to test on account of the luteal phase defect (I have one, estrogen deficiency - apparently they come in all kinds)? I know the doctors rely on us missing our periods (or maybe they don't know we're all so neurotic that practically everybody tests), but some people don't, and of course I'll be one of the difficult ones.

I just can't wait till all this is over and I can start a cycle with no tamoxifen and go back to being a plain old infertile again!

Wow. I said it. And I meant it. I just want to get back to getting on with not getting on with my life.

7 comments:

  1. I'm a non-tester myself. I never rush to test unless instructed to do so. I too try to look at all the different sensations I get during the 2ww as "a possiblity?"...ugh...it's just part of the IF game. My mind goes nuts during medicated cycles since that is why I'm doing the meds! I figure I have the given right to wonder since I'm taking IF drugs. hmmmm.....my dh is now "I'll believe it when I see it"...and I'm kinda like that too. If it helps at all...I know how you feel. Blessings!

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  2. I wonder how much money I've spent on hpt's over the years??

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  3. Okay, this is likely out of bounds but--no more tamox! It just sounds like it's making your body very very unhappy and that makes me very very sad. There's got to be a better way.

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  4. Hmm, did you know that 2-day temp implantation drops are common (according to all-wise Fertility Friend anyway)? I spent most of Tuesday scanning pregnancy charts on FF and slowly despairing that I had no implantation drop whatsoever this cycle (I in fact had a rise then..boo!), and sure enough here I am at cd1. So, not to make the neuroses worse, but it could be...couldn't it? Now this makes me want to go scan my old charts to see if I've ever had a drop around that time.
    I try to avoid titles for posts like 2ww and 14dpo (my title yesterday), but frankly I suffer from a lack of creativity when it comes to post titles.
    I, of course, hope you are pregnant. If you're not though, I hope the next few days pass quickly.

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  5. STAY AWAY FROM DR. GOOGLE!!!!!

    i'm so glad that i have a couple more months as a menopausal woman rather than being let loose on the babymaking roller coaster. not being able to even contemplate TTC has been difficult on the psyche, but not having three months of 2WW has been great!

    hugs to you!

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  6. All these head games are enough to make any infertile woman certifiably insane. As if IF didn't already do that.

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