Friday, July 31, 2009

curiouser and curiouser

Thanks so much for all your kind words. In case anyone is actually trying to keep up with my indecision (which is a pretty tall order), here's the sitch. First of all - ovbiously, I've managed to stay up way too late YET AGAIN.

Second, after I got home, I checked through my email - and found out that I just got a promotion (I wasn't even sure I would be eligible yet, and they processed it automatically without telling me). My dh was a little chagrined that he won't even have his first day on the job before my 10%-ish raise kicks in Monday - I've widened the gap yet again. I'm confident he'll pass me up eventually, though.

But on Monday morning, our household income will literally double. Almost to the dollar. I know it's crude to talk about money and the IF blogging is supposed to be about more important things. But that's sort of why this strikes me...I am actually kind of waiting for the other shoe. Spiritual blessings I can sort of handle, there's obviously a reason God would want me to improve in virtue (not that that's happened recently) - but material blessings I see as God's way of letting me know I'm about to be hit by a truck.

I try to remind myself that my dh was unemployed for six months, we've been ttc for four years and are no closer to success, I will probably have surgery in the fall, and we have half the value of a house in student loan debt that will take thirty years to pay - and we live in a place where a modest home costs a small fortune. So we're not suddenly going to be living large (that's really not what we do). And FTR, we're not going to be wealthy, exactly - just have more than I could ever have imagined as a kid (growing up on welfare in a small town), you know?

Honestly, I wanted to grow up and be poor surrounded by my million children and not notice that my clothes were vintage 1986. It was my opinion - accurate, I think - that such circumstances would make me selfless, kind, and patient, and protect me from vanity and materialism; focused on the enduring things rather than the fleeting ones. I am grateful for the good fortune, but I'm sort of at sea. As a personality issue, I'll find it far easier to save or invest the additional income responsibly, and find a worthy object for tithing, than I would find it to figure out what to do with an infant. Five years ago everything would have been different. I'm not sure this is a better person to be than the person I was - nor do I know how to get back there.

Also, I have to add, I didn't study as much for my big exam today as I should have. In fact, I didn't start studying until almost midnight last night. And so I was so tired that I didn't get through all the material. But since it was open-book, I felt reasonably prepared. Unfortunately, I'm not well suited to open-book; once I have it, I have to look up even answers I know. OCD. So we had two hours for fifty multiple-choice questions, and I just finished them and didn't have time to go back and re-check the questionable ones, and only got to two of the five tie-breaker questions (in case of a tie for high score. They were optional, but what the heck?).

This was unfortunate, because I got one of the three perfect scores, and so the prize - name on a plaque and an honorary award sponsored by the American Bar Association, which would have looked awesome on my resume - went to the gal who actually answered all the tiebreaker questions.

And then I got home and found out about the promotion. See what I mean? Something terrible will happen. If they tell me my uterus has a termite infestation and has to be removed, I won't even be surprised, OK? Go ahead, take it. I'm kind of already expecting it. I'm afraid it will be something worse, for which I have no way to prepare. My little sister's plane will crash as she's flying home from Poland and she won't make it. My husband will take his first trip for work and never come back. I don't even know. God preserve the people I love. Take me - take the money. Take whatever you want. But leave them alone.

Nevertheless, I'm going to an open house at my house on Sunday afternoon. (It turns out that the DH's new job does have its HQ in Rockville. The main job site is actually at a satellite office in Springfield, so that's where he'll be half of the time for eighteen months...but no, he does not mind the drive.) And, shinejil, I know you're right about moving and renovations while pregnant - although I also know people who've done it. I've had to stop making decisions around whether a future pregnancy should change what I do now, but it is a good point.

Right after that, we're going to visit the previous "my house" - you know, the one that's over a million dollars and falling over. I figure that the visit will tell me (a) how bad the inside is (I have no information), and (b) how reasonable the realtor is. These will at least let me eliminate it if that is called for. And if they let me take pictures, I may bore you all with them.

Of course, today (er, yesterday?) was the last day of our old lease. I need to print the new one tomorrow morning, review it, and sign it pretty quickly. We basically decided (95% sure) that we should sign, and if we want to move in the next 3-4 months (doesn't that sound perfect? Unfortunately not an option on the lease!), we can look for a subletter. Yes, it would be a great idea just to pay a month's rent to walk away from the lease, but this isn't a nice normal townhouse, unfortunately - they have trouble renting this property (it's a little unusual), and they don't sound willing to let us walk easily.

While I'm borrowing trouble against tomorrow, I have found some time to pray for those who have actual problems right now. I wish there were more I could do.


  1. This might be my Protestant upbringing talking, but there's nothing inherently wrong with being financially stable nor is there anything inherently virtuous about being poor and trying to raise a dozen kids on nothing. Some people do it nobly and gracefully, while others fail themselves and worse their kids horribly. Poverty sucks, in short. Humility and kindness and agape and simplicity rule and can be practiced even when you make a decent living. So you can be both those people, just maybe in a slightly different way than you imagined in the past...

    Okay, I'll shut my trap now. Basically, I'm thrilled for you, and glad you get to have more security and likely more opportunities for house projects and family building.

    You have to post about the open house tomorrow! I'm so excited to hear about it.

  2. Geez. You didn't study and you got a perfect score? I *hated* you people in school! Ha! Congrats!!! Wow!!!

    I sure hope you don't have a termite infestation in your uterus, but I honestly laughed out loud at the prospect! Hilarious!

    I will be praying that the other shoe doesn't fall. It does seem like alot of things are going really well for you lately, and I pray that it is no fluke with some catastrophe to follow soon hereafter. Of course, the little voice in me is making me suggest that maybe a baby is part of this good luck streak.....

  3. Glad to hear so many good things for you! I'm such a "waiting for the other shoe to drop" person for myself, but for others, I like to be optimistic -- like, "you can't have a rainbow until you have some rain." You've had rain, and now you have a rainbow!

    Oh, and I just got back from vacation and just read your last comment on my blog... we actually didn't have any treatment to get pregnant -- it just happened after nearly two years. I was getting ready to give in and try clo.mid in a couple months, but then it just happened. No explanation for the infertility, either!! I have a good friend who tried for 3 years with no explanation for her IF... and now has 3 children under age 4, since they figured it would keep taking a long time to conceive. Our bodies are such mysteries!!

  4. Agree with commenter #2: no studying but perfect score = you bitch! ;-)

  5. You sound like me. Playing Devil's Advocate, maybe it's not a sign that something terrible is going to happen. You could be on a positive streak. Ride the wave and enjoy!

  6. Congrats! Hooray! And we want to see pictures and an update from the open house!
    As for your questions on the house and location and your husband's jarb, I was going to say, well, where would you want to live, regardless of his job? But then, commuting can be a big part of life, so that is an important part of the decision.
    (For me, I am not so much a fan of driving, so I like to be positioned where I can walk and bike to things. But that is why I bought a small rowhouse in the ghetto. I am excited for your mansion on a hill!)
    My other house-buying anecdote is that my boss told me when our first house-buying attempt failed, "There will always be another house." And I was like, "You jerk! There is NO OTHER HOUSE FOR ME." Except I did not say that out loud, what with him being my boss and all. Anyway, I mourned the loss of that house, which we had discovered was home to a small wetland habitat in the crawl space. And we wound up buying a house that was even better for us. So he was right all along, even though it did NOT feel like it at the time.