Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I got better

So, I shall not dwell in the hellish Land of the Sperm Analysis forever. (I know, you were worried.) I appreciate all your kind words and wise advice (seriously, some of the suggestions made so much sense. I need to go back and take basic physics. And maybe biology. Or one of those X-rated courses they were always offering in college under the heading of "sociology." Anything with "sexualities" in the title was good for at least a few nudie photographs. On that subject, sort of, I have some VERY Catholic friends who on their honeymoon, despite not being, er, novices [you know, they were reformed], were having such a difficult go of things that they went to the store and bought a how-to book. And not the "for Dummies" one, I believe, something with pictures).

Also enormously reassuring is that even people who are not working from quite the same framework I am found this whole ordeal awful as well. Why does that make me feel better? Maybe for kind of the same reason it's so nice to have other people with whom to go through infertility...it makes me feel human, when IF often inclines me not to.

Also good for dredging one from the depths of the Lake of Spermlessness is a sense of humor. Fortunately, my husband has one. When I came home yesterday, I told him how traumatized I was and that I may never want to (try to) have sex again, and he laughed at me for being a prude, and, honestly, I felt better. If he'd fetched out a crucifix and the holy water (we have some, actually), I'd have been pretty worried.

There is, after all, an appropriate role for sperm.

Frankly, my DH had a worse day than I did. Our elderly neighbors have a beautiful rose garden - I mean, magnificent. Over seventy individual rose bushes, dozens of varieties. All now in bloom. And the ladies from the wife's art group were at her home for their regular meeting, so they held it in the rose garden. My DH was sitting on our patio having a cup of coffee, and a gaggle of grandmothers were wandering around the garden, oohing and ahing in the most or.gasmic of tones, and the mockery was more than he could take. He said he barely restrained himself from marching over there and doing in the whole lot of them. (This shared inclination toward sudden violence is what makes us SOUL MATES.)

So we were at home yesterday evening discussing our recent traumatic experiences, when he suddenly called over from our room, "Should I throw out these condoms next to the bed?" GROSS. Ten hours after the fact, we still had condoms strewn about our bedroom like the scene of some junior high incompetently attempted contraceptive orgy. "No," I replied, "I'm making a scrapbook of our journey to have a baby, and I'm going to stick them to one of the pages." He emerged from our room. "Hey, that's a really good idea."



  1. Humor is the salvation of all of us IFers. I'm glad you're feeling better, and that I didn't hear a news item on the radio about the "rose garden massacre" this evening. Your husband showed admirable restraint.

    Though the flowers sound gorgeous.

  2. I am sorry you are going through this. Infertility is absolutely horrifying and you have the added stress of very few options. My best friend is Catholic and I can appreciate everything about your faith (I am Protestant). I mean no disrespect in asking you questions, but I am just curious. You write alot about what the church says, but I am curious as to how you feel deep down. I think we so often put God in a box and expect him to do only certain things and approve of certain things. If infertility has taught me anything, it's that God is A LOT bigger that we give him credit. I know fertility treatments are not for everyone and it's a personal choice to make. I've been through it all and it's just awful. I learned more about faith and life going through losses/treatments than probably any other time in my life.
    My husband has had to "romance a cup" many times. He has never used the filth they offer and says it's not even enjoyable. Very clinical and scientific. I can only imagine how frustrating it is to use those condoms.
    I really don't have anything to offer. My heart goes out to you and your husband. It's a difficult road to walk. I wish the best for you, I truly do. I pray that God gives you a miracle very soon!

  3. I am all caught up! I am so sorry about your SA experience....our lab did not allow the condoms to be used, but we live close enough that we "collected" his sample at home so I could play my part ;-) So it was really no big deal at all...I think it would be alot more complicated if we didn't live so close to the lab...we'll see how it goes if my RE wants a new sample because their office is further away!

    FWIW, I agree with Leah's comment about really exploring what you feel deep down...

  4. In your last post you said:

    "Fidelity to our marriage means no dirty pictures and no "individual activities." And to break that commitment to have some lab poke and prod us further seems even more disordered and wrong than it would be by reason of temptation, or weakness, or anything else. "

    I just have to tell you this quote has been banging around in my brain ever since I read it. You stated that more eloquently and succiently than I ever could...and I've tried! Seriously awesome quote. Just so you know I am going to be repeating it often. I'll give you credit. I promise. :)

    Oh, and thanks giving us a little Monty Python. It was much needed! :)

    AND...you're husband sounds awesome.

  5. You sperm ordeal just sounds brutal! But I have to say I'm cracking up at the idea of scrapbooking those condoms and your DH agreeing! LOL!!!!!

  6. Thanks for your comments on my blog. We are working with Lutheran Social Services and our social worker has been amazing. I think when we work directly with Child Protective Services employees that things just go much slower. We are so used to our SW being johnny on the spot. I think adoption in general is a tough road, lots of waiting, etc. I know it takes an act of congress in some adoptions. We have had a fairly easy road compared to most! We just have to continue to be patient and wait on God to provide in his time!

  7. Wow. You've had a much more interesting week than I've had.

    LOL when I got to the part about the orgy-istic, orgasmic exclamations coming from the old birds. classic.

    here's hoping the rest of your week is much less how shall we say, messy?