Yes, me. Well, obviously, I'm being at least somewhat sarcastic. But just look at this chart:
For some reason, it's very small. But that's OK, I will draw your attention to the important parts. First of all, no tail-end spotting in the previous cycle! Though this cycle starts with a "light" day, that's red spotting, not brown (hence pink, see?). Also note, instead of going straight from a series of spotting (brown) into slippery (white), it takes just a bit of time off there to do something normal. SEE? And then FOUR days of slippery. I mean, not all day, because, as I've actually mentioned before on this blog (wow), my CM is all messed up because somebody was screwing around with my cervix, and not in a good way.
Now, if you'll direct your attention to the somewhat more difficult to follow line above, I'll be happy to explain. The blue line is my waking temperature. The red dots are temperature on days when I woke significantly late (so they don't count, but I've graphed them anyway, because I have to do this). It hits a high temperature three days after "peak day" (which is the last day of fertile, the white box), but even curiouser - two days after peak day, there's a temperature dip. That's the first time I've ever seen one of those.
Oh, yes, and, this is hard to tell because of the way I label the axes, but my last point: peak day is day 14; temperature spikes on day 17 (maybe a little late - perhaps further evidence that my progesterone is low???); and the whole cycle is twenty-seven days long. (The last day marked is actually the first day of the next cycle - hence red.) That's practically normal. (The previous cycle was 25. I think this one will actually be longer - delayed ovulation due to further TRAUMA TO MY CERVIX.) Does that mean my luteal phase is thirteen days? Or how many? You count from the day after peak day, right? I just can't keep this straight.
I recognize that entirely too many of those boxes are brown. Also, that I am now reduced to posting illustrations of my menstrual cycle on the internet. But I don't have time for therapy right now, because I'm taking off so much work for semen analysis and to have things shoved through my cervix. And even though there's too much spotting, this could all play into my theory that all that's really wrong with me is that I'm progesterone deficient.
Oh. Sorry. For a minute there, I forgot about the atypical cells on my cervix, the defunct ovary, the severe endometriosis, the 3+ endometrial cysts, the IBS, the retroverted uterus, and the uterine polyp (did I forget anything? Oh, yes, the insanity). And yet, for some reason, in my mind, the goal is not to get pregnant but to make my menstrual cycle normal, and to identify the maybe one simple but significant thing (obviously, there will just be one thing) that needs to be changed to do that. Because if I can manage a semi-normal chart, then it will all be OK.
You know, I didn't use to have any attachment to how much fertile CM I produced or how long my cycles were. I blame the Catholic IF bloggers. You did this to me. Now, if only I could find somewhere to print this in color so I can show all my hard work to my RE tomorrow...