Saturday, May 9, 2009

funny thing

BTW, I've obviously learned to post from my Blackberry. The internets will never be safe again...

You'll be glad to know that I'm still married and no blood has been shed. I've tried really hard to be good today - been nice to everyone (easier because I'm so fond of them and they're so good to me). Helped with dishes. Helped with dinner. I spent all afternoon running errands with my SIL (no baby though), and had a great time. I did have an outburst when I waited for 90 minutes after we were supposed to leave, and my husband actually snapped at his sister for making me wait (I wasn't actually waiting on her, I planned to go by myself). He has never yelled at someone else to defend my prerogatives - ever. Certainly not a member of his family. He usually acts like he has to prevent ME from offending everyone. In general, he's been solicitous all day of whether I'm OK, even when I seem fine.

The weekend does turn out to be much harder than I thought. I don't anticipate problems tomorrow - we're having a private Mass said by my BIL, so no one's going to ask the mothers to stand up (that would be more like a spotlight on me and my other SIL, who's also childless, and doesn't want kids - she's well into her 40s, so avoiding them won't be hard, I think). I enjoyed picking out roses for my MIL, and a present we haven't given her yet.

But. Because I told my husband how upset I was about the baby, now it's An Issue. He doesn't get to hold him, so I can't (that wouldn't be fair). So I haven't offered to feed him though SIL could use the help. I haven't touched him, or said much to him, though everyone else coos at him endlessly, making it appear very slightly odd that I don't. (Then again, my other SIL hasn't paid him a moment's notice, and I didn't even think about it till just now...)

Because I told the truth, I have to tiptoe around, and it makes things a little awkard. If I had deceived my husband and pretended to be fine, I wouldn't just have the power trip of concealing my emotions, and the benefit of not upsetting him - it would actually be an easier weekend. Pretending, even with family and even in my marriage, would in fact make the IF burden easier to bear.

Is it supposed to work like that?

5 comments:

  1. Um, sort of yes and sort of no is the answer to your question. Here's hoping the day surprises you on the upside.

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  2. hey there,
    and i nag dh for not cuddling his neice enough! i can only offer that a complete stranger (me) is thinking of you today - it's a hard weekend and however messily you make it through to Monday - you'll have made it and that's something. hang in there!
    hedwig

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  3. i'm so glad that you didn't have to endure the "will all the mothers please stand up" part of the mother's day mass!

    just a few more hours to go and it's over for another year!

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  4. I personally think it's better to know about a deep, rending, despair-inducing pain in my love's heart than not know, even if it makes things more complicated. Why? Because the truth will out, sooner or later, and it's less disturbing to know that you have been able to be there for your suffering spouse, rather than think of all the times you've inadvertently hurt them. You don't want a rift like that in your marriage. It's really important to work through all these things, in the long run. His actions speak, too, that he wants to be there for you, which is just what a husband should do.

    And your feelings might change. Next time you see your nephew, you might feel very differently. I found that sometimes I'd been in agony around a baby, and sometimes I'd just fall in love with a child and wouldn't care if I ached. It's so hard to say how you'll react.

    I'm sorry you've been in such pain, though. I'm sending you a big virtual hug and wishes that it gets easier...

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  5. I think your feelings toward the baby are completely normal and THEY should understand that it hurts.

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