Wednesday, April 22, 2009


Just for you, Sew:

As you can see, it's electric (see the cord?). It actually works. It was given me by my MIL; it had been her (late) best friend's, when the friend was a girl. She wanted to make sure I would actually get some use out of it. I couldn't find the words to explain to her that although it's perfectly functional, I absolutely do not intend to use it - I plan to use the $200 Kenmore that I've had for years and does all my stitching - but the fact that I would never use this beauty to rehem my pants is precisely an indication of how much I do appreciate it. I hope I conveyed to her how much I love it...I feel kind of greedy, actually, because right now my house has three sewing machines (one belongs to my sister and I'm supposed to return it). Even after I return that one, though, do I need a functional one and a luxury one? I think I accumulate too many things.

But I still want my house. Part of me is inclined to think that I think I am extra entitled to have the house because I don't have a baby (rather than being able to justify wanting the house on account of how there will be a baby/babies - my original rationalization way back when, several imaginary houses ago). Because I think it will make me happy. I know, possessions don't make us happy...but is it possible that my house would anyway?

On a largely unrelated note, I have been realizing that I still do have lingering anger at those with children. Not at their children (I usually think they're precious), thank God, just at the parents. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to resent. I don't want jealously to guard what free time I have as my only consolation for not having babies, and refuse to sacrifice any of it to be kind to those with kids because they don't deserve my time since they have their babies. I want this experience to have made me more generous and giving...but it has made me colder, harder, and more selfish. Sigh. Next project...


  1. There's an old sewing machine in the attic at my grandparents' (now my uncle's) house. It looks a lot like that, but it uses a foot pedal to get it moving. Those old machines are a work of art.

    I wouldn't say the infertility experience turns you into colder or harder person. It puts you into self-preservation mode. Generous and giving is nice, but they're not so evident until you no longer have a need to preserve your sanity from the continual disappointment and misery of TTC (whenever that is). It's a journey. Once you get to a point where you can look back and appreciate it, that's when it's made you a better person.

  2. Wanted to clarify in response to PfH - I agree that preserving your sanity may LOOK ungenerous but really isn't. But I sincerely think that I've ALSO become ungenerous. I don't care if other people are suffering or need my help. If it infringes on my comfort, I don't really want to be bothered. And I didn't used to be like that - at least, I think I didn't. Maybe I have an over-rosy view of my life pre-IF :).

  3. I guess it's just human nature in many aspects. I find myself angry at my sister who is about to deliver her 4th baby in the past 6 years. She's like a freaking baby machine. When her husband lost his job, I had absolutely no sympathy for them and I think I sort of gloated about it. I even told her that they should stop having all of those babies and she needed to get her tubes tied. I felt so bad but I couldn't help it.

  4. I did read this post yesterday but I was so busy! I actually looked at that sewing machine more then a few times!

    I love it! It is a real beauty! I wish I could find it somewhere! I would display it! :)

  5. I suppose the feeling is something we learn to work through over time. I can't say I haven't had similar thoughts - and I feel like a heel for having them - but I take it as a part of being human. We're meant to work our way through the feelings so that we can become better people.