Thursday, April 16, 2009

SPERM!!

OK. Stop what you're doing, immediately. Good. Now, immediately open a new window and play The Great Sperm Race.


I shamelessly stole this from the Angry Infertile's blog. She said her real problem was the cervix. It's definitely tricky (those macrophages were nasty and persistent). I'm thinking what that may be a metaphor for...low-quality cervical fluid? Autoimmune disorders?

In my case, the problem was the vagina. (Memo to Freud: I'm not listening.) I couldn't figure out how to power the little sperm thing, and then I was terrible at steering, and I kept getting stuck in the vaginal mucous and it was bad news.

The cervix was definitely bad, too, though - a close call between the vagina and the cervix. The uterus wasn't so bad, except that after I got all the way up there - way under the time limit - and even figured out that I was supposed to head-butt the right-gendered chromosomes into place, I couldn't figure out what to do next, and while I was trying to figure it out, the white blood cells came up and ate me. (Problems timing sex??? Why am I assuming this game must be diagnostic of my infertility? Then again, why not?)

The fallopian tubes were easy by comparison, except I got confused about what I was supposed to do (just WAIT, actually. Wait - is someone trying to tell me something?) and screwed that level up the first time. Why does my brain screw up the steps even my reflexes are good enough for? (Blocked tubes??? Mentally blocked tubes?)

And while we're on the subject, I have an HSG at 9AM tomorrow. Meaning that I'm not even specially looking forward to having the day off work. My plan is to go running in the nice daylight, but I don't know if I'll feel up to it (and yet I so want to start on a getting-in-shape kick). And my DH isn't even here - so if I'm really feeling awful, I will have to take Mr. Public Transportation home and put MYSELF in bed with some nice tea. Sigh. They told me to take a lot of ibuprofen, but I'm planning to take naproxen sodium (Aleve) instead. And wear comfy, stretchy pants, and granny panties. HSG veterans: what else should I do? Bring a book?

Anyway, awesome as this game is, it could be improved if they would make Round II: Fertility Impediments: The Diagnostic Edition. In that version, every other time you started it up, there would be no egg at all; the sperm would occasionally spontaneously die for no reason, along with all the other sperm in the game; at least one fallopian tube would be blocked; the lining of the uterus would be so overgrown the sperm couldn't swim past it; and several of the eggs would be defective, and would die tragically after fertilization, while you watched.

But it's a good start.

Also, why do they say the game might not be appropriate for children under thirteen? I think it's perfect for children under thirteen. Children under thirteen know way too much about penises and not nearly enough about the actual method of fertilization.

And, because I am a mental case (truly), I played the game until I won. And I do not win video or computer games. (As one of The Angry Infertile's commenters already pointed out, there's almost a compulsion to win. If I can't actually get pregnant, I have to get an electronic image pregnant. Have to.) And then I played it a second time, until I won, again. Amusingly, it's much easier the second time. But just as satisfying.

3 comments:

  1. Good luck with the HSG! The only advice I can give you is to try to relax (ha!) and dope yourself up good beforehand. Not to freak you out, but mine was quite painful (I didn't take anything beforehand, though). On the positive side, it makes an IUI seem like nothing.
    Keeping fingers crossed for clear tubes!

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  2. I don't remember my HSG hurting. I was a little crampy but not much.

    Just totally mortifying sitting there for 30 minutes in stirrups, when your knees aren't shaved and there is a huge light shining on your Who-Ha! And the doctors are talking while wearing mask. And in my case there were two 30 something yr old doctors. WTH?

    I laid on the table in tears. :)

    I hope that you have nice big fallopian tubes. Whatever that means.

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  3. I wish I could be of more help with the HSG, but mine was combined with a procedure which required general anesthesia, so I was out. From what other women have said, it can either be a cake walk, or it can involve some serious cramping. A book is always a good idea in any situation. I never leave home without one.

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