Friday, March 27, 2009

update (still a bad day)

Scheduled the colposcopy for 5/1 (ha).

Got a call back from the nurse to answer my detail questions about my current results. It's currently reading as a CIN2-CIN3 (last year was a 1, so they're keeping their promises about testing). For everyone out there who is not an OB/GYN: apparently only the colposcopy (along with a cervical biopsy of live cells) can narrow that down. I tried to nail down what the difference is between 2 and 3 and basically am still confused. Time was, I was a chemistry major. I got a B+ in organic chemistry and a B in multivariable calculus...not stellar, but I'm not stupid.

What I did get out if her is that they are expecting the result to be that I have a carcinoma in situ. That's precancerous cells, and they would surgically remove them or freeze them off. It's also possible that it will not be that serious (in which case what...?). And it's possible, though unlikely, that I already have cancer (the defective reproductive system megamillions jackpot).

Now I am regretting not scheduling this appointment sooner. I want to know what's up, get them to freeze my cervix for posterity or whatever, and start buttering them up for the hysterectomy I'd like. I have lots of sick leave, I just don't like to use it ('cause I might get sick or something. Hah!). Maybe I should, though...they closed already, but maybe I'll call Monday and move the appointment up a week or two.

I understand - really do - about how everyone gets excited by a diagnosis. I can tell that some of the people whose stories I follow are fixers by temperament. I am a fixer too. I want a project, a deadline, parameters of right and wrong, boundaries, a to-do list, and a clear definition of success so I can blow it out of the water. If it's possible to win, I'll do it, no matter what it takes.

But I don't feel good about this diagnosis, because I simply don't believe that fixing even what may be a very serious problem will do the IF any good at all. If I don't have cervical cancer, it will be uterine; if the endo isn't causing my symptoms, I'll have Crohn's disease, and if not that, a tapeworm; if the scarring hasn't affected the left ovary yet, it will be diseased; if the ovaries are healthy, I'll have POF; if the eggs are healthy, it will be something else. If every system is either fine or gets repaired, I will have unexplained infertility and it will persist until menopause. There's nothing special about me having a carcinoma diagnosed that can't be taken away by some other age-inappropriate malady that also, coincidentally, means I cannot conceive children.

Though I'm very upset today, this is not my "today" attitude, despondent because I have a surprising diagnosis. This is my evolving attitude lately. I'm not going to be fertile, I'm not going to have a baby, and I don't want to do this any more. I'm not even sure I want kids. I just want to live in peace.


  1. I've been following your blog today and I've been literally laughing and crying! What an emotional day for you.

    I completely understand your frustration, it seems like there is always something. Which is why I'm on strike from IF at this very moment and refuse to go to the doctor because it seems as if every time I go they find something. The bad part for me is that it's never good news and it makes it very hard to remain optimistic about anything relating to my health.

    I just had this same conversation with my DH the other day and I told him honestly, I don't think I want to continue with any more treatments because I'm no good at being infertile, if that makes any sense.

    I absolutely despise doing IF treatments and all of the side effects that come along with them (and I've only done the minor stuff i.e. clomid and the trigger shot). All of the meds, shots, and endless doctors appointments are so much more than just mere tolerable inconveniences for me - I really can't take it anymore. I already know that I would not be able to endure IVF which is suppose to be our only hope.

    Enough about me already, this is your blog! :) I know it's not much...but I wish you the best of luck and hope that everything turns out to be fine for you.

  2. Okay, the first half was a lot of big words....but I hope that your surgery goes well on 5/1.
    And yes, I know what you mean about wanting a diagnosis...but then I guess if you get it, it's like, okay, now what?

  3. I haven't had nearly as many set backs as you have, but I think I know a little bit of how you feel. I have definately been on the brink of giving fact I did for a couple of years. But as much as I fight it and try to tell myself that I don't even really want the kids, I know that for me I really do and that I am only trying to convince myself that I don't in order to avoid more pain. We each have our breaking point where we say enough is enough. My only suggestion for you is that you don't base one of the biggest decisions of your life on one really bad day. If you are really ready to quit then you will know, and everyone will still be there for you if you do. I hope that tomorrow brings a little bit of sunshine into your life.

  4. I had a colposcopy a few years ago and it wasn't bad at all. I am soooo praying for you to not have ANY cancer/carcinoma. Also, I am definitely a fixer, so I know how it is to want to know everything and every possible scenario. Trust me, this is one time it doesn't help. There are too many variables that you don't know and you could drive yourself insane trying to figure out how it will all play out. I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this crap. Please let me know if you want to talk to someone who's dealt with the CA diagnosis (but praying you don't get the same one).((HUGS))