Scheduled the colposcopy for 5/1 (ha).
Got a call back from the nurse to answer my detail questions about my current results. It's currently reading as a CIN2-CIN3 (last year was a 1, so they're keeping their promises about testing). For everyone out there who is not an OB/GYN: apparently only the colposcopy (along with a cervical biopsy of live cells) can narrow that down. I tried to nail down what the difference is between 2 and 3 and basically am still confused. Time was, I was a chemistry major. I got a B+ in organic chemistry and a B in multivariable calculus...not stellar, but I'm not stupid.
What I did get out if her is that they are expecting the result to be that I have a carcinoma in situ. That's precancerous cells, and they would surgically remove them or freeze them off. It's also possible that it will not be that serious (in which case what...?). And it's possible, though unlikely, that I already have cancer (the defective reproductive system megamillions jackpot).
Now I am regretting not scheduling this appointment sooner. I want to know what's up, get them to freeze my cervix for posterity or whatever, and start buttering them up for the hysterectomy I'd like. I have lots of sick leave, I just don't like to use it ('cause I might get sick or something. Hah!). Maybe I should, though...they closed already, but maybe I'll call Monday and move the appointment up a week or two.
I understand - really do - about how everyone gets excited by a diagnosis. I can tell that some of the people whose stories I follow are fixers by temperament. I am a fixer too. I want a project, a deadline, parameters of right and wrong, boundaries, a to-do list, and a clear definition of success so I can blow it out of the water. If it's possible to win, I'll do it, no matter what it takes.
But I don't feel good about this diagnosis, because I simply don't believe that fixing even what may be a very serious problem will do the IF any good at all. If I don't have cervical cancer, it will be uterine; if the endo isn't causing my symptoms, I'll have Crohn's disease, and if not that, a tapeworm; if the scarring hasn't affected the left ovary yet, it will be diseased; if the ovaries are healthy, I'll have POF; if the eggs are healthy, it will be something else. If every system is either fine or gets repaired, I will have unexplained infertility and it will persist until menopause. There's nothing special about me having a carcinoma diagnosed that can't be taken away by some other age-inappropriate malady that also, coincidentally, means I cannot conceive children.
Though I'm very upset today, this is not my "today" attitude, despondent because I have a surprising diagnosis. This is my evolving attitude lately. I'm not going to be fertile, I'm not going to have a baby, and I don't want to do this any more. I'm not even sure I want kids. I just want to live in peace.