Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Rage

If it weren't for shamelessly stealing the ideas of others, I'd have nothing to say at all. So, without further ado, I present my latest theft: this post on "baby rage" by Megan at INfertile Myrtle. You, non-existent person, MUST read it.

Her stages of grieving are apropos, too, except (1) how do you grieve for something that's not gone yet? I know, giving up totally on the idea of having a baby and then being surprised by one (should that occur) would make my life more peaceful, but I'm not sure I could swing sleepwalking through fertility treatments. And I'm not sure I'm prepared to forswear them altogether before I've really tried; and (2) I don't want to go back to depression/sadness. I feel like such a miserable failure already. At least at the anger (ahem, rage) stage I feel tough. Rotten things have happened to me, but I'm not curling up and crying, not me! No, I'm taking on the wretched world. Take that, unfair world!

Except I seem to be taking all the hits in this fight. Well, maybe I'll figure out how to let go and just be miserable again.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so with you on the rage vs. pitiful moping. Sorrow and woe can be empowering, too, in their own way, but it's not easy to keep connected to that place without slipping into self-pity or depression or despair. I feel like I've spent too long with that cloud over me. It took years of struggling to get it to lift.

    You're not a failure, even though you've failed to have a child, though you may feel like one. I think we can mourn that easy innocence that most women have in this day and age about reproduction. Back in the day, it was a terrifying ordeal to carry and child and give birth. Now it's been elevated to some syrupy right of passage that is supposed to define or even justify a woman's existence.

    But you have something beside the future fruit of your loins to give the world.

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