good stuff, yo

Before I go on about houses (which I'm just about to), I would like to say a few words about my cycle. One of the words young ladies should not say starts with "f," but there is just no other way to describe this cycle. It's f-ed up.

Now, I didn't chart the cycle during which I had my surgery, because my CM was so darn weird. But I was going to chart my next cycle. I hadn't gotten around to writing it down, but I had it memorized - the two or three days of very heavy flow, with clots (yay TMI!) that I don't remember having in a decade (if ever), blah, blah. And then fertile CM on CD8 and 9 (SERIOUSLY!) and none thereafter. And then on CD19 (NINETEEN!) spotting. OK, fine, early peak (or whatever that was) could mean a really short LP too maybe? Ooh, except I've now had three running days of very light - almost invisible - spotting.

I may be ridiculously, award-winningly infertile - seriously, I might set some records here, right? I know, there's a lot of competition around - but I've had consistent-length cycles, no spotting before my period started for months (umm, not in response to any treatment, it just stopped), ovulated every darn cycle for years, and even had relatively decent LP lengths, plus totally normal CM. And then I have an HSG and an SHG and my CM got screwed up and, though it improved after a few months, never got back to the healthy pattern it was - and then I had surgery so I would be all better (HA!) and I DON'T EVEN MENSTRUATE ANY MORE. Seriously, if I didn't have a vagina, I wouldn't be sure I was a biological female at all here.

Because what does Dr. L's "your best odds are in the twelve months after surgery" mean if I spend the better part of those months (the first few must be the better odds anyway, right? NOT OVULATING OR MENSTRUATING?! It's a good thing I have given up on ever having a biological child, or I might be really UPSET that I spent time in the hospital, gave myself four enemas (causing hemorrhoids for weeks. I am twenty-seven and have never delivered a child, and let me tell you, I LOVE HEMORRHOIDS), took sick time so all my coworkers thought I was a freak, got a second, even larger scar across my abdomen, and am NO healthier and my fertility signs are WAY, WAY WORSE, and this would be funny if it wasn't actually NOT FUNNY AT ALL. I don't know what organs you removed, so-called doctor, but we are NOT AMUSED over here. Are you listening? No. Well, never mind, then. On to the house.

So the dh and I went to see the tan house with the realtors last night - first time we've been inside. Here's the house on the outside again (not when we were there, 'cause it was dark):

And I took a whole bunch of interior shots, but they load to the internet crazy slow. So here's just a few, for interest value. First, the living room and the family room (the latter being an addition) are both a really good size. The floor plan makes me think more federal than Victorian (fewer nooks and oddly-shaped rooms), and I like Victorian better, but this is OK too. The living room has a lovely mantle and so forth. It does have two giant support posts, which are nice-looking but interrupt the floor plan a bit. The family room has lots of wall space for all the bookshelves I want. The walls aren't the knotty-pine paneling I expected - they're dry, untreated raw wood, as far as I can tell. I'm intrigued. Do I paint it? Leave it?

Kitchen has older white wood cupboards, which I would repaint (they look slightly worn), but are OK. Nice, newer white appliances. Sadly, the house is not plumbed for gas, but I am willing to accept a glass-top electric stove as a second until I can get my Chambers gas stove. The wood floors in the kitchen (which continue from the dining room) are comparatively recent, cheap, and, in the kitchen, already warped from water exposure. This confirms all my prejudices against wood floors in the kitchen, and I would rip them out and replace them with slate. I would also rip out the old formica countertops and replace them with butcher block. There's a nice work triangle, as you can see below. The layout is super-weird, but I'm sure I could put a rolling table between the dishwasher and the other part of the counter.

Also, did I mention that all the rooms on the first floor have high ceilings and beautiful trim? One issue: these people may have gone overboard with the built-in storage, and not of the best quality. The upstairs bedrooms didn't originally have closets, I guess, and the solutions they came up with are not precisely what I would have suggested:

The master is an OK size (not huge) but does have that screened porch, which is pretty giant. Maybe five or six feet deep, even. Could do a lot with that.

Good news: the bathrooms are really pretty good. There's only 1.5, so eventually it will need more, but I definitely wouldn't gut them (and most of the other houses need that!). Turns out the half bath downstairs isn't under the stairs - it's actually at least two rooms away from the "entertaining" rooms (living room, family room, and dining room), which is key.

So what would I do? Obviously, the kitchen needs work. Dining room needs fresh paint, new wallpaper, and a new wood floor laid. Other rooms need painting. Door frames upstairs need to be ripped off and replaced with trim that matches the original (the silly '70s stuff they put on looks really out of place there). They put carpet all over the upstairs and it needs to be ripped out and the floors underneath repaired if necessary. Same with the downstairs bedroom. Some shelves need straightening and some need to be ripped out. Plus, they put WAY too many shutter-style doors up everywhere, and some need to be replaced just to relieve the monotony. The basement is damp, wet even - so the gutters, and maybe roof, need replacing, and it needs the outside ground graded, and maybe a sump pump and some sealing. But it will never be a finished basement - I can only stand up in most of it. That's a lot of work and expense, but I don't have to gut bathrooms! I'm sure happy about that.

We also met the realtors! I really like the realtors (they were the realtors selling the original "my house" waaaay back when). I was iffy on some of the terms of their contract, but they said we could just do all the paperwork after we found a house. (These are some pretty awesome people. If anyone needs a realtor in Maryland, you let me know.) So now, we have our own realtors, and I trust them. We did tell them that we were thinking about maybe closing a deal in March/April. They were OK with that, but they did think all the houses we like will be gone by then. I don't agree. They had been on the market for months when we found them this summer. Winter is a slow time for the real estate market. And they know which one is supposed to be my house. It will wait.

vocation

I'm in Chicago at a training conference on HR stuff for the week. Seeing Chicago, with its towering buildings and opulent storefronts, reminds me that DC is not actually a big city.

I also have had my antennae up for examples of women living vocations (other than motherhood) passionately. One of our presenters has been working in HR her whole career (she's now around 60). I don't know whether her home life and values are the same as mine (and I have no idea whether she has kids). But listening to her presentation, it's obvious she is happy, and genuinely happy to see everyone who's attending (all strangers), and wants to engage them; she loves what she does and is passionate about it.

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I have to note that she's clearly from the South. Southern women, as we all know, seem to do the loving and sweet bit better than the rest. For my part, I drive well in the snow, love the mountains but not the beach, and can do both formal courtesy and biting sarcasm before I wake up in the morning, but I don't call *anybody* "hon."

Nevertheless, even with all her natural competitive advantages, something about her really struck me. I think she really is happy. It would be easy to say that as she's on the speaker circuit, she's at the pinnacle of her career. But being a speaker isn't so huge - she could be a professor, or a bestselling author, or something, and consider herself even more successful. There's nothing about what she's accomplished professionally that means she should be happy and I shouldn't. And all work is work. Getting to do what you love does make a difference, but this woman apparently loves talking about workers' compensation law. Obviously, it's what she's bringing to it.

Now, I like the line of work I'm in. I like to accomplish my tasks with enthusiasm, and I try to be friendly to the people I work with. But I am not doing what she is doing. Could I do that? Could I make my job a vocation I love? I have to admit, I like doing things well, but I haven't been driven to excel since I've been in school. There's a difference between wanting to do a good job and needing to be the best. (And who likes people who are over-competitive in the workplace anyway?)

Something else that just leapt out at me about this woman was that she is feminine. For some types of public speaking, the speaker can be sufficiently anonymous that no personality need shine through. But with larger-scale talks, you have to get people to pay attention to who you are. And in a situation like that, there is nothing worse a woman can do than try to act like a man. Second-worst is self-deprecating and insecure. She did neither of those things.

Let me tell you what she did. First of all, she was dressed business casual (she's not an attorney). She wore a colorful jacket - not too outrageous but not severe and black. Nothing was too tight, and she wasn't wearing a low neckline or a short skirt. (I imagine some of her evident poise can be attributed to the fact that she was comfortable in her clothes.) Her hair, makeup, shoes, and jewelry were decidedly female, without screaming for attention. She spoke on her topic with knowledge and confidence - but she wasn't bossy, didn't become uncomfortable at all if someone offered information she didn't have, and never talked down to anybody. At one point someone asked a question, and she asked an assistant to write it down for later - but politely and smoothly enough that the fellow might later have turned out to be her boss. (I have had few subordinates in my career, but I tie myself in knots when I try to give them directions, so I was specially impressed with this.) She was warm, and she was passionate without being strident.

I think men *generally* make better leaders and public speakers, though there are men who are plain awful at either of both. The women who justify the inclusion of women on other-than-political grounds are those who can do just as good a job while being completely different people, rather than mimicking the men. I think I may mimic the men.

Maybe this is hard for me in part because of my job training. I'm told they did a study of mock jurors and separated the results by gender. Women tended to react in a similar way - reaction 1. Men reacted a little differently - reaction 2. They also studied attorneys. Male attorneys reacted even more differently than non-attorney men - reaction 3. Female attorneys were indistinguishable from non-attorney men. Interesting, eh? Now all I need is an example of a passionate and feminine female professional who is also a lawyer.

bravery

I know I've been talking about this house-purchasing thing for aaaaages and I haven't gotten on the ball with DOING anything about it. (I think I do deserve credit for getting on top of the one thing that requires lead time - getting an erroneous late payment report removed in August. But it's now NOVEMBER.)

So this morning, I realized I was being a wimp, and I signed up for a seven-day free trial at freecreditreport.com. (I know I have mentioned before how I love their songs.) I thought it was 30 days, so I'm a little disappointed, but this was time enough to find out that there are no errors, all my accounts are current (I need to double-check that they're all also "never late" - the site doesn't say, so I need to go back to annualcreditreport.com and get my second statutorily required free report for the year and check whether there are any late payments. And THEN I canceled a Capital One card that I HATE because the credit limit is $500 and they have refused to increase it even though they promised to and I charge more than that and repay it every MONTH and I think they are ridiculous. Unfortunately it is my oldest credit card (by a little less than a year though) and I just read that you're not supposed to do that, so I hope it doesn't do any harm.

Now, I figure that people might enjoy the break from estradiol and progesterone numbers and efforts to improve them. So...

...my credit score is apparently 750. This is in the "excellent" range, which warms my heart. However, according to this article (which seems really good), the break point for good interest rates is 760. Now, I really really want to get a 760. I cancelled the stupid Capital One card (which may actually hurt my credit. But I hate them, so I'm still not going to have it reinstated). I am going to pay all my credit card bills the minute they're payable, instead of merely in full by the due date. I am going to check whether I've got any payments registered as late ever (I don't think so, but just in case). And I am thinking about repaying the one of my college loans that's not consolidated with the others. The total balance on that one is less than $800, but I'm not going to put the money there until I find out that that will really help.

I want that 760. After I get it (and help my DH get off his history the adverse court judgment of the guy in Baltimore who happens to share his name), I am calling first USAA, and then every other lender I can find until I get a rate I like. So, we shall see how that goes.

fertility causes indigestion

I bet you didn't know that. It must be true, though, because my abdomen has been putting on a regular symphony (mostly percussion and brass) for the last two days. And the only thing that connects them, other than the fact that I ate Afghan food, which is really mild and anyway I had that big surgery and now my intestinal tract is TOTALLY FINE so it can't possibly be that, is that I had fertile CM both days.

YAY FOR SLIPPERY MUCUS! It came BACK. By ITSELF. Like everything was NORMAL and the surgery was over and it knew it was time for a "return to normalcy" even though that's not a WORD, President Harding, and what kind of example are you setting when you can't even speak ENGLISH properly, I ask you? Shows how much YOU know about cervical mucus. Sigh.

Anyway, there is the small fact that the slippery started on CD8, which is a wee tad early, but this reassures me that I don't need to worry that (by CD9, today) I haven't yet reached the "drowning in CM" stage that I'd really like to return to some day. Also, maybe it means that I've become one of those super-fertile b*&^%es who has a good...OK, I just did the math, that would be SEVEN running days of slippery if CD14 were peak day. Hahahahahahaha. Ha. Hee hee. Snort. Ha. Whew.

So I guess this is the weekend. Maybe tomorrow I'll be a decent human and go running. And start my Christmas shopping! I think it's an appropriate time for a little early Christmas shopping. And exercise. And VISITING THE HOUSE. Oh, and calling to get preapproved for a mortgage...huge sigh. I am brave.

Happy weekend!

variety pack

A few thoughts, connected by nothing in particular.

First...

The white fixer-upper house with the lovely southern front porch is under contract - and the last contingency is the inspection. That will either go through or not by December 15. I have a

feeling it will go through, which makes me sad. But I still haven't visited its neighbor the tan house, which lacks that fabulous porch (and doesn't have a garage either). But it does have some things to recommend it, among which is a better floor plan. Here, for example, is the living room (way bigger than in the other house):

I'm afraid this picture might be too big to see well, which is tragic. Though it doesn't come together as exactly the ideal living room just now, it has so many things that make me happy...the old wood floors, the pretty wooden mantle, the brickwork all the way to the ceiling, the wood-paneled walls, the exposed wood ceiling beams, the baseboards and crown molding, the bathroom under the stairs (so cute - but if that bathroom door is actually shutters, it has to go. It freaks me out when downstairs bathrooms are right off the main living area as it is - who

wants their friends to hear them peeing?!)

Maybe something like this? It's a color scheme I think we would both like, and I admit I covet this couch.

Or maybe something like this?

Fun to think about. Maybe we'll go visit on the weekend.

Second...

I'm late to the party (always) - but there are rays of light shining into the Catholic IFosphere! A pregnancy and an adoption - such blessings. My prayers are with the new parents.

And, in a special way, I am praying with, and very much thinking about, those who are still waiting, who walked similar paths. I suppose with adoption this may be particularly poignant - it's easier to measure that people have been waiting for the same amount of time, have spent the same amount of money, and are waiting still. The rest of the world offers much joy for new babies, and I have nothing special to offer in that regard. My joy is stunted, perhaps. But I often think that what little this odd community, with all its broken members, has to offer, is companionship and strength in sadness. Those who graduate from it have many friends and family members who wish them well. Those who remain are ours, and they need us more. Such is my perspective.

Third...

I had an unexpected conversation with my husband after we'd stayed up way too late on a work night. He said something about the awful mentally ill disturbed children we would have had, and I got angry, and told him that if I accepted not having children, it would be happy children that I let go of, not monsters, and what he was saying was horrible and I didn't want to hear it any more. And I showed him the picture of the little girl I found to make a post about my "theoretical child" many months ago. That child looks so much like both of us. He started to cry. He's never cried over us not having children.

The closest he's come to any human emotion ever is to be angry with a friend who made a pregnancy announcement several years ago because I was crying (after we got home). In the past several years all I have heard him say on the subject was that I make too much of it; that he figures we'll eventually adopt so it doesn't matter; and that it's for the best that we didn't have children since they'd be horrible and we'd screw them up. I'll give him this, after several years, he was convincing. I thought he meant it. I thought he didn't care. Although I could picture in my mind how he'd really be if I found out I were pregnant (I have to imagine, since I've never even had a false positive), and I don't think for one minute he would say it was regrettable since the child would be messed up. I know he would be happy.

I can't believe in all this time that I never knew how sad this made him. I can't believe he had me fooled. So at two o'clock in the morning we stood in our bathroom and held each other and cried. I don't know what difference this makes. I don't know that it matters. It's odd that this comes as I'm growing to some kind of acceptance (rather than just denial). Who knows where our path will lead. But I love my husband, and it has been so exhausting to walk this way alone, and I know that this is, whatever it leads to, a blessing.

It's almost four; I think it's time for me to take a shower and run my thrift store errand and get some eggs so I can make my fabulous lemon chicken soup recipe. (And maybe some homemade wheat bread. Got to use up that wheat flour - I thought it would be great, but it's ruined all my baked goods.)

Blessings, infertile friends.

slightly insane

The tricky thing about blogging is that even though you can tell the whole truth anonymously, it still results in some number of IRL strangers thinking that you're certifiably insane. But when I read others' "am I insane?" moments, I always feel better, so maybe this won't be so bad.

As noted in my IF timeline, I believe, I had some sort of cervical dysplasia on my PAP smear and colposcopy earlier this year. (The abnormal cells were cauterized as part of my surgery in October, so I should be fine...until the next cervical weirdness, but whatever.) Despite three doctors saying that there were at least two occasions on which the tissue samples would be tested for HPV, I have never actually been tested for the virus, which I admit to being a little annoyed by. However, I am told that with cervical dysplasia, they automatically assume HPV, because it is pretty much always the cause. As everybody probably knows, HPV can ultimately lead to cervical cancer. (That's why they remove those abnormal cells - lesions - so they don't get any worse.)

OK. So I also remember my college chastity lecture whatever about how HPV can be transmitted by much broader contact than most STDs. I never paid attention, because I hadn't had any sex, so so what?

So here's my loony question. We have overnight houseguests periodically and I am (usually) good about giving everyone nice fluffy towels. I do, however, continually forget to buy washcloths - we don't own any (though there should be one in the linen stack somewhere that I can't find), because I use a puff thingy. My husband eschews all these devices (men are strange), so we don't need washcloths for ourselves. I leave my puff thing in the shower to dry, of course, because it gets wet when you use it. It crossed my mind some time during the past few months that if someone who stayed over used my puff, I could give them HPV (assuming I have it). Maybe even from sharing towels! I do give everyone his own towel, but it's possible they could get confused. I've been trying to steal my puff from the shower and hang it where people can't find it, but I don't always remember to do this. (Bottom line is I need to remember to buy washcloths! I also need a dehumidifier and tampons, so it sounds like a Target run is in order.)

I've never had any of what are described as the physical symptoms of HPV (sores I think), beyond having the abnormal cervical tissue. I know that it's possible to have the disease and be contagious without them. But should I put a big quarantine sign on my house? Tell everyone who's stayed here that they could have a disease? Am I crazy???

in fewer words

kitchen love

puppy love

love it